Archive for the ‘Smackdown’ Category

Google Smackdown Monday

Monday, November 27th, 2006

Dear reader who found my site whilst googling, “coitus interruptus gallery,”

Ewwwww.

A gallery. Are you serious?

Also? Ewwwww.

I can only imagine the delight you find in this spoogalicious scene and I wish you all the best of luck.

I, on the other hand, will refrain from adding to your brand of joy by removing any products of coitus interruptus by cloth or shower. Or I will simply angle myself so that my partner gets the brunt of the hit. Sad for him, yay for me and the ability to fall asleep unsplattered.

Sincerely,
Melissa

Google Smackdown Monday

Monday, October 2nd, 2006

Dear reader who found my site whilst googling, “hairgum,”

Oh my god.

Hairgum.

I knew that was a universal problem.

It’s still fucking gross.

Sincerely,
Melissa

Google Smackdown Monday

Monday, September 25th, 2006

Dear reader who found my site whilst googling, “free live in home lesbian women hair shampooing beer rinsing stories,”

Wha?

Okay. Breathe. Read it again.

Free. Free live in. Free live-in-home lesbian?

Okay. A lesbian who lives in your home, unpaid by you.

Free live-in home lesbian women?

Women? Are there other kinds of lesbians? So, you’d like lesbian womens to live in your house. That’s pretty weird. But wait.

Free live-in home lesbian women hair shampooing beer rinsing stories?

Lesbians, in your house, shampooing and then rinsing their hair with beer for the fun of it, not getting paid?

Hahahahahahahahaha!

Dude, go tell your mom to stop making you your favoritest grilled three-cheese sandwich with the words “I wuv you” in the bread. Right now. Go on, you have boxes to pack. Because you need to move out and actually meet you some live women.

Sincerely,
Melissa

Google Smackdown Monday

Tuesday, September 5th, 2006

Dear reader who found my site whilst googling, “slutty aunties,”

Oh dear.

I’m afraid that yes, the aunties of my children and Lindy’s children are indeed, slutty. As in, we tend to say bugger off to the patriarchy and its plan to rule our girlie bits.

I’m afraid that darling Auntie Anne, the queen Auntie, is a strong woman who LIVES IN SIN with a man. She probably has sex with him, too. She is a whorish Dancing Queen who shakes her hips at everyone. She will not back down when she’s right.

Anne would like you to look at her boob, too.

I’m afraid that the lovely Auntie Christine is a strong woman who singlehandedly parents her two little girls like a pro. She (gasp) has men for overnight visits. They drive big trucks and are never conventional. She will cheer you on as you run another red light, encouraging your dangerous side.

Empty Cup. Christine.

I’m afraid that the sweet Auntie Emily has a new boyfriend and she’s already having the sex with him. Like, daily bitchez. She is a strong woman who will back you into a corner and tear you limb from limb if you cross her or her friends’ path.

Full cup. Emily.

I’m afraid that the precious Auntie Lindy has a dirty nurse outfit and isn’t afraid to stack the pillows (don’t ask). She is a strong woman who will love you if you deserve love and will run you over with her car if you don’t.
Boobs. Lindy.

I’m afraid that the heavenly Trish is a strong woman who can pick up men in bars because she feels like it. She may take them home; she may push them away laughing like an evil ruler done with her toy. She takes no shit and owns snark like nobody’s business.

Trish uses a fetching necklace to attract your attention to her cleavage.

I’m afraid these women rule their bodies, their brains. I’m afraid for you, patriarchy. They fucking rock as slutty aunties.

And Auntie Melissa? Well, apparently she just enjoys a chocolate rim a little too much.

Mmm, chocolate.

Sincerely,

Melissa

*p.s. All photos are unedited. Because Auntie Melissa is also lazy.

Google Smackdown Monday

Monday, August 21st, 2006

Dear reader who found my site whilst googling, “elmo giving ’sesame street’ a bad image,”

Uh, shyeahhh.

I can’t vouch for what you were worried about, but that Elmo and his crackwhoriness is a big downer.  I mean, teaching babies to prostitute for crack is just wrong.

Babies need to learn how to have a business plan, keep good records, find a great doctor for those quarterly tests, and set up an attractive website.  Good clientele is just too hard to find and going out there on the premise that crack is a worthwhile currency just doesn’t do those babies and preschoolers any good.

Say it with us, Elmo, “Me like money!”

Sincerely,

Melissa

Google Smackdown Tuesdayness: The Quickie

Tuesday, August 15th, 2006

Dear reader who found my blog whilst googling, “breastilicious,”

May I say? Awww yeah.

Also, the Tits McGee shot (cropped) was used for my DotMoms photo.

That is all.

Sincerely,
Melissa

Google Smackdown Mon…Tuesday Again

Tuesday, August 8th, 2006

Dear reader who found my site whilst googling, “molds to make babies,”

Holy shit, that seems so much easier than my big long plan. I planned on making babies by way of the following:

1. Get over this damned yeast infection and wait until my sister is properly wedded and bedded later on this month. There is drinking to be done.

2. Start having hot fertile monkey love with my husband. Refuse his seed anywhere else on or in my body but the business end, right up cozy with my cervix and it’s helpful fluid.

3. Repeat as necessary.

4. Get good and knocked up.

5. Wait. Probably, miserably, for nine long months while I grow the products of getting knocked up. Expand into a waddling teepee of baby and bloatiness.

6. Push baby out of my body. Which will suck in a painful, vomiting kind of way.

What a bother!  Your way sounds almost delightful. Melt something (eww, what?), pour something, pop in the refridgerator and hooray! Babies! In any color and flavor I want!

Although, I am concerned about the tiny cake problem. You know, things being overly tedious. I’m not good with tedious.

If you can tell me more about this making babies with molds in regards to the tiny cake problem, I may be persuaded to try this thing your way. The melty, moldy way.

Sincerely,
Melissa

Google Smackdown Monday

Monday, July 17th, 2006

Dear reader who found my site whilst googling, “why is my body starting to droop?”

I don’t have all the answers for you one this one, but I have at least one.

You are aging. Ta daa!

According to healthcentral.com:

The human body is made up of fat, lean tissue (muscles and organs), bones, water, and other substances. As we age, the amount and distribution of these materials will change.

Fat tissue may become increasingly deposited toward the center of the body, including around the abdominal organs. The proportion of body fat may increase by as much as 30%.

As fat increases, lean body mass decreases. Your muscles, liver, kidney, and other organs may lose some of their cells. This process is called atrophy. Bones may lose some of their minerals and become less dense (a condition called osteopenia, or at its later stage, osteoporosis). Tissue loss reduces the amount of water in your body.

You may become shorter. The tendency to become shorter occurs among all races and both sexes.

So, awesome, right? I can’t wait.

My other great answer to your drooping body is this: you have been pregnant; thought about being pregnant; tried to get pregnant; consumed, injected, or undergone any type of procedure to get pregnant; or been nearish pregnant people.

Because, my god, have you seen what happens to women?

I’m going to choose to love my own drooping body, because my boys are amazing and I happily sacrifice smooth skin for them. I’m one of the lucky ones to end up with live, healthy, amazing kids. I value that more than anything. I may bitch sometimes about my post-partum weight issues, the leftover epidural pain, the remarkable stretchmarking, and the mommy pouch I still have after ten years, but I’m glad that was all I have to bitch about. Daniel and Brett are great people; I’m so blessed I get to share in their lives. So many don’t get that chance.

In related news, I give you Exhibit 3:

Mike taunts babies.

Mike is taunting our nephew through the baby gate, on the child’s first birthday no less. Clearly, he is ready to have another baby.

Also, on Penelope Room I profess my love for lesbian fiction.  Again.

Google Smackdown…Wednesday? Wednesday.

Wednesday, July 12th, 2006

Dear reader who found my blog whilst googling, “knit-harpy,”

My lordy, thank you. Because of this odd request I had to go back to the Google God and see what the living hell this could possibly refer to in the interwebs. And lo, the findings were good.

Really good.

Unlike the magazine title, “Real Simple,” because blech. It’s either REALLY simple or it’s simply real, but it’s never real simple. They don’t call the Grammar Queen of All Things Grammatical and Holy for nothin’ (note: this blog is not necessarily a standard by which you should ever measure my grammatical prowess).

Where were we? Ah yes, googling the knit-harpy.

I do not knit. I would like to knit, but alas, I haven’t tried it since I was six. I should maybe think of doing that someday. I would knit you all a permanent version of the tiny cakes. You could maybe put it in your bathroom. Like a tiny cake tissue cozy. Maybe you wouldn’t try to eat it, but if I scented it lightly with white chocolate, you might.

In rushing off to do my own bowing to the Google God with the ammunition of “knit-harpy,” I found this: YARN HARPY. Yarn Harpy is a fellow mythical lady creature but she knitblogs. Yes, knitblogging. Awesome (note: I must learn to knit so I can participate in this knitblogging and make you a tiny cake tissue cozy).

This is the knit-harpy I assume you are looking for in your google search.

But. ha.

I also found this: the Limited Edition Spyderco Harpy Knife. Harpy knife? Wowza. Seriously, go look at that thing, it’s a bit scary. You buy it at Bad Dawg Sports (buwahahahahahahahahaha!). It’s all big and meaty and manly. Which, why call it a harpy knife? Harpy? Knife?

Is for harpy wielding? I don’t think so.

Tighten up the reigns, I feel another etymology session coming on.

The term, “harpy,” is thought to come from the Greek “Harpyia,” meaning “snatcher,” and probably related to the word, “harpazein” meaning “to snatch.” I’ve also seen the word translate to “robbers” or “the swift robbers.” In Greek, the word is Ἅρπυιαι or `Arpuia and I’ve seen that translated as “the snatchers, a personification of whirlwinds or hurricanes.”

Exciting. There’s more. Harpies started their mythological life as beautiful and powerful winged maidens and ended up being shrew, hateful women. The story seems so unique in the history of powerful women, I hardly know where to start. *snort*

Early myths define harpies as those who were the goddesses of the sweeping storm, symbolic of the disappearance of humankind. As such, they were sometimes deemed as the entities that escorted a soul to Hades. This is not an unkind thing to be, having an escort in the afterlife is better than having none and there does not seem to be an attachment of malice in the harpies’ doings. In the ancient Aegean, death appeared to people as seabirds and the people left offerings of food to the seabirds, the harpies.

In Homer (9th-8th BCE), we get Harpies. Capitalized. The Harpies are the personification of a stormwind and one of them, Podarge (fleet foot), is married to Zephyr, the West Wind. Podarge rides in the shape of a swift mare and with Zephyr, she births the horses of Achilles, Xanthus and Balius.

“Xanthos and Balios, who tore with the winds’ speed, horses stormy Podarge once conceived of Zephyros and bore, as she grazed in the meadow beside the swirl of Okeanos.” – Homer, Iliad 16.148

Hesiod (8th-7th BCE) brought Harpies as winged goddesses with beautiful fair hair, pretty faces, and a load of power. According to Hesiod, they are the daughters of Thaumas, the Sea God of Wonder, and Electra, and Oceanid and Cloud Nymph, not this one. The daughters of Electra, the harpies, being the daughters of the West Wind and a Cloud Nymph, are written to have flown faster than birds and winds alike. Some names of the harpies are Aello (storm swift), Okypete (swift wing), Aellopus (storm swift), Okythoe (swift runner), Nikothoe (running victory), and Celaeno (storm darkness). All the names refer to the winds and storms (and perhaps an homage to their parentage) and the speed with which they can fly. In Hesiod’s later works, harpies begin turning into creature that are half-bird, half-women.

“Now Thaumas married a daughter of deep-running Okeanos, Elektra, and she bore him swift-footed Iris, the rainbow, and the Harpyiai of the lovely hair, Okypete and Aello, and these two in the speed of their wings keep pace with the blowing winds, or birds in flight, as they soar and swoop, high aloft.” – Hesiod, Theogony 265

Delving a tad deeper into the life of harpies, we get the root ar, or ar-n, and perhaps “bhur”, all allied with the Latin “nostrum” meaning “ours.”

So here we get that a root for harpy is ours. Harpy so far is a personification of the winds, then she is a beaufitul winged maiden who can fly faster than the winds, she is an escort to those who have died, and she is ours. She sounds so evil, already, no?

Except that isn’t where it all ends, hence my reclaiming of the word in this blog title.

Harpies along the line become not just swift wind runners but also a bit mischevious. Even in Hesiod the harpies have a mischevious bent, but this is far different than what is to come. In the Greek story of Jason and the Argonauts, the harpies turn into the workmaidens of Zeus…and worse.*

By the time of Aeschylus’ writings (Eumenides, 6th-5th BCE), harpies are turning into monsters, not goddesses or even the swift, mischevious offspring of the wind and clouds.

Apollonius Rhodius (3rd BCE) writes The Argonautica and tells the story Jason and the Argonauts, including the story of the Thracian King Phineus. Phineus had the gift of prophecy but manages to piss of Zeus by telling too many plans of the Gods. So, Zeus places Phineus before a lovely buffet and sends down the Harpies to snatch any food away from Phineus before he can eat.

“For he showed no reverence even for Zeus, whose sacred purposes he did not scruple to disclose in full to all. Zeus punished him for this by giving him a lingering old age, without the boon of sight. He even robbed him of such pleasure as he might have got from the many dainties which neighbours kept bringing to his house when they came there to consult the oracle. On every occasion the Harpyiai swooped down through the clouds and snatched the food from his mouth and hands with their beaks, sometimes leaving him not a morsel, sometimes a few scraps, so that he might live and be tormented. They gave a loathsome stench to everything. What bits were left emitted such a smell that no one could have borne to put them in his mouth or even to come near …” – Apollonius Rhodius, Argonautica 2.179-434

Why does the leftover food have that “loathsome stench”? Because the Harpies are defecating on the leftovers. By now they have become birds with razor-sharp claws and beaks with the heads of women and a foul stench (always with the stench). The Harpies are set to the task, by Zeus, to punish Phineus. Each time food is magically laid out for him, the flock of Harpies swoop in, snatch some of it, scatter some other bits of food, and then shit on the rest, leaving Phineus hungry and growing thinner.

“The Harpyiae ever watch my food; never, alas! can I elude them; straightway they all swoop down like the black cloud of a whirling hurricane, already by the sound of her wings I know Celaeno from afar; they ravage and sweep away my banquet, and befoul and upset the cups, there is a violent stench and a sorry battle arises, for the monsters are as famished as I. What all have scorned or polluted with their touch, or what has fallen from their filthy claws, causes me to linger thus among the living. Nor may I break fate’s bond by death: by nourishment is my cruel need prolonged.” – Valerius Flaccus, Argonautica 4.425

Okay, bring that story to today’s version of the word harpy. Dictionary.com, my lover whom I delight in naughty threeways with WordReference.com, says this for the word “harpy.”

1. Greek Mythology. One of several loathsome, voracious monsters with the head and trunk of a woman and the tail, wings, and talons of a bird.
2. harpy A predatory person.
3. harpy A shrewish woman.

Dude.

The ever-fabulous Clarissa Pinkola Estés, Ph.D. nicely sums up what’s going on in her book about women archetypes, Women Who Run with the Wolves. She explains this literal fouling of Phineus’ food can be seen as a temblón, a shiver story, since we have all experienced a figurative fouling at some time.

She explains the Harpy Syndrome. The Harpy Syndrome “destroys via denigration of one’s talents and efforts” and comes from others or with our own “disparaging internal dialogue.” She goes on, “A woman brings up an idea and the Harpy shits upon it.” Her raison d’être is to shit on everyone else’s ideas and thoughts.

In more recent literature, I have read the harpy as a woman who has died by the hand of a man, rendering her full of hatred and bitterness – with a keen sense of violent revenge – in the afterlife for all men. This is possibly related to her role as a death escort and the Phineus tale of fouling his dinner and taking delight in it.

The harpy moved from a wind to a beautiful winged maiden to our own mischevious minor deity to a bird-woman to a monster who shits on Phineus’ dinner.

I reclaim the Harpy as a swift, figuratively winged woman with a flair for the mischevious and as one who does not shit on everyone’s parade, but rather calls ‘em likes I see ‘em and thus violently shits on an asshat’s dinner when it’s necessary to avenge what has been done to women’s history and what is being done to the contemporary woman.

Sincerely,
Melissa


*Seriously, this is fabulous: Jason

Google Smackdown Monday

Monday, July 3rd, 2006

Dear reader who found my blog whilst googling, “ladies pudenda,”

I see you are interested in ladies’ pudendas. First, let me help you with one thing. The word “ladies” in your phrase is in a state of possessiveness. You need a goddamn possessive apostrophe.

Ladies’

What you wanted was this: ladies’ pudenda.

Alternatively, if you only need one lady and her parts, then this: lady’s pudendum.

Amen.

But hey, what is a pudenda? Dictionary.com is a helpful little tool and everyone should employ it. That is, when I am not making love to it with my dear WordReference.com. Call it a wordy threesome if you like, but it is glorious. Dictionary.com tells us that a pudendum is the external genitalia, particularly of women. Futher examination with the good, yet remarkably graphic Wikipedia.com explains that pudendum equals vulva. In modern usage, pundendum and vulva are interchangable and without any negative connotation. I’ve used it; others use it. It seems okay.

However, there is more to this pudendum story.

The Latin gerund of pudre, to make or be ashamed, is pudendum. Other historical names and phrases for a woman’s vagina and vulva are “gentlemans pleasure garden,” “burning shame,” and “carnal trap.” Names for a man’s penis include “manhood,” “scepter, ” and “ramrod.”

Why does the genderless word pudendum refer particularly to women. Shame is attributed to women as a sexed characterization. Guess what else means “shame”? Wife. The word “wife” comes from the same root as pudendum, “ghwibh”, which means shame.

Mike is my husband. The root for husband is “bheue”, menaing “to be, exist, grow.” He gets to exist and grow and I am supposed to be in shame. I AM shame. Men learn, think, and are respected. Women are the embodiment of shame. Each by their very labels of “husband” and “wife.” Our state of getting/being married is directly linked to our external genitalia, which are both linked to manifesting shame.

So why are we calling ourselves “wives”? The original meaning has been stuffed and the word “wife” simply means the same as “partner.” But knowing the meanings for pudendum and wife, it’s hard to let it go.

Now, why were you, dear reader, googling for ladies’ pudenda? If it was for porn, I would read the above and think about that again. Is shame a part of porn? Yes. Is shame a part of what bakes your cookie? I have no clue. Perhaps you were just interested in what a damn pudendum was in the first place, seeing the word used only for women’s body parts.

No matter what you were looking for, I assume it wasn’t for this discussion of etymology. You are very welcome.

Sincerely,
Melissa