Family Tree of a Modern Child
Tuesday, May 20th, 2008As NB and I continue on this little journey and sometimes discuss what’s next, we have noticed something. Our kids have a lot of unexpected siblings.
Daniel and Brett have Sister 1 and Sister 2 at their dad’s. Add in NB’s daughter, E, let’s say. Even if we aren’t living together *yet* nor are we married *not even discussing at this point* they are spending time together and will continue to. If we live together, that solidifies that relationship more. And, if Mike has kids/stepkids, they would most likely count too.
Now include E’s siblings: Sister, Brother 1, and Brother 2 at her mom’s. Also, Step Sister 1, Step Brother, and Step Sister 2 from her dad’s late wife. That gives my kids three unexpected siblings and possibly more by extension of E’s siblings, depending on how the kids later define family for themselves and who they actually spend time wth. E gets eight clear siblings.
The million dollar question is: Is this a problem?
On the positive side, not really. My kids have benefited GREATLY from having my niece Ashley around, as close as a sister, because man oh man is she making them better men for learning how to talk to, not be afraid of, enjoy, laugh with, and learn the sweet and toughness of girls. As for their own sisters, they frustrate them sometimes (to the point of tears for Daniel) because they are LITTLE girls with big ideas about touching not-their-toys, but they also cherish those siblings to pieces. Daniel is an amazingly patient young man with little kids.
As for adding another sibling-like person into their life, well, she’s here. They adore her. They think E hung the moon. Of course if they live together full time they will at some point, argue. So what? Learning to argue is a skill, a valuable skill we all need a lifetime to figure out. But for now, they just like having her around when she is. She seems to enjoy their company as well. All three don’t seem to be as worried about this crap as maybe me or NB.
On the other hand, it could. That’s a lot of people with whom they have to get along. They have to decide at some point who they consider family, since as older kids, they may or may not include who I think they will. It’s more time that is potentially taken away from them. It’s more together time that includes more than just mama and them. It’s more figuring out where they fit in their own family.
You know what though, I can’t say I think those are strong enough reasons to worry to the point of not continuing the relationship or stifling where ever it leads. And seriously, I’m a worrier.
This is all in my head as we discuss where we are going with this thing we have.
I am not interested in marriage at this point. I just need a lot more time before I want to commit myself financially, really, to someone else. After my divorce, I really struggled when I read my credit report. After much letter writing, all is well again. But to feel you didn’t exist for ten years really stings. To know that even stuff, like CARS, you bought alone didn’t make it onto your credit report until you bitched…well, it’ll take some time to make that plunge again.
I could live together, I could go through the hassle of legally making sure things are what you want (such as property issues), but it will take some time to dunk myself into such a bullshit patriarchal system. And, hey, no one will berate me for not changing my name as it won’t be expected. Not that I don’t love when someone gets married or is married or that I won’t get married again someday, by the way, I just wish it wasn’t so intrinsically fucked up for women.
I do wish that couples with children who are committed to each other, whether or not they are “living apart together” or cohabitating, got similar respect as married couples. Because honestly, no matter how someone slices it or what people tell you, hetero-normative style marriage does not equal a more committed relationship (see: True Wife Confessions or you know, talk to a committed gay couple of forty years.)
And not being married doesn’t mean your kids won’t see you as family anyway. Which is probably the part that freaks us out the most :)





