Sugared Harpy

But I’m writing about it anyway, because I’ve lived some of it.

So, a while back I wrote THIS. And in it, I said some dumb shit about dating a widower.

I felt sad for him, I dated him while it was clear he wasn’t done grieving, and I put myself second for his loss. His sad, sad loss. But you know what? It was sad, I hate that he lived through that, but it wasn’t my fault and no reason that a man who willingly put himself out there to treat a woman like she’s second place. That’s right, I recant my sympathy for my now husband.

He chose to date. He became a single man at that point. If he wasn’t single, and still beholden to grieving another woman, then he needed to stay away from other potential partners. When I wrote that post, I was trying really hard to handle some things I thought were normal. News flash, sleeping in a man’s bed he shared with his former wife, with her belongings in the dresser beside you, on her pillow, with a picture of her and him in their bedroom is not normal. It’s fucking awful to do to someone. You are effectively saying: I still love this person I still call my wife (present) and you are…well, you’re nice to have around so I’m not lonely and neither are my man parts. You aren’t ready to date and should stop it.

Women dating a man who is widowed, email me. I’ve got the best fucking support group to link you to, seriously. Without that forum, we wouldn’t be married today. I’d have left. I had to spell out shit that needed to stop as it popped up as a hurtful thing to me, because things that do not bother you in the beginning (picture in the bedroom) sure as hell will after a year. Things like mentioning things you and the late wife did together, your freaking sex life, pictures in the house, her personality, her clothes in the closet, her purse in a drawer, christmas ornaments, you name it, it needs to fucking GO before you bring someone new around.

Grieve forever, if a man wants to and is certainly his right as one with a huge loss, but for the love of god don’t date anyone. When you want to be a single man, then be one and put your new love first.

Am I happy we are together now? Absolutely. Would it have been better to start dating when he was done being a widower? YES.

I say all of this to help some other poor woman who is dating a man and feeling lonely in her relationship, that she’s second best, and that in fact all the books tell you to suck it up and be understanding to his loss. As if we don’t experience loss ourselves. Many find and read crappy articles by this woman first and we feel fucked. We feel that we have to take his less than stellar behavior regarding us, that somehow because of a loss we have to sacrifice. No, we don’t. I tell you now, you are supposed to be his number one. Anything less is shitty. You don’t deserve it.

What is bringing this up for me is painfully watching another blog. I don’t want to piss on their parade, so I’m not linking, but a popular blogger who lost his wife this summer (2009) has announced his marriage to a new woman in the beginning of March. Of this year. Half a year after his late wife’s death. Let’s just say, I SEE ISSUES coming up. I see his happiness at not being alone, but I think…seven months and marriage?

Holy shit, y’all.

He says he’s already grieved, but you don’t pre-grieve. He says that he and his late wife weren’t “husband and wife” for a long time, but then what were you? You weren’t only a nurse, dude. You were a husband. Is all the paperwork even sorted through yet? What happens on the first death anniversary that hasn’t even happened yet? His kids’ birthdays without the late wife? There are four kids who just lost their mother only to get a new stepmother in the house, how are they supposed to handle this? How is she supposed to handle it? I want his new wife to be happy, and I see her reading the “three hearts” shit online and thinking it’s her job to succumb to his needs.

I want you to know that’s crap. She deserves love, she deserves to be his number one, she deserves a full, real, present partner and husband. I want her to have that and it hurts me to know what’s coming up for her.

We just had the most amazing, beautiful, happy, lovely, fun wedding anyone could ask for. I have a new husband, a new daughter, and a family that can’t be beat. I can’t wait to see Raquita’s pictures…she’s so talented and it’s such a joy to watch her work.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. We are so very, very blessed.

I’m second guessing lots o’ wedding details but one of those was shoes. I like my shoes I picked, the red ones. They are classic and lovely.

And after some time in them, kind of hurty. I knew I’d be kicking them off after the ceremony was over to dance but didn’t want flip flops.

I bought THESE for dancing…

and continuing to look fabulous.

We are booked for our honeymoon after the wedding and you know, it makes me so happy I get all misty eyed.

I will share with you the details in the future, when it’s all over. But we are going here:

I can’t wait to spend that time with my soon to be husband in this amazing place.

I had my first makeup trial a few weeks ago and people, I hated it. I HATE IT. I rarely wear makeup anyway, so to have a makeup artist slather orangey foundation all over my face and left a LINE at the neck and then tell me she lightened it up for me since I had said I hate foundation was quite bothersome.

When I said that I really wasn’t too happy with the foundation part she said that she could put the foundation down to my dress to eliminate the line.

NO.

I felt gunked up, with too much mascara that made my eyes stick together when I blinked, and I really felt crazy looking. Now, I’m sure in pictures the eyes would have looked great, but that foundation was killing me. I am not using this makeup artist, even though she was very sweet and nice. I can’t do it.

Even if there was great application with no orange or a line, the thickness of liquid foundation slays me. I’m too sensitive or something. I FEEEEEEL it on my face. Just like nail polish on my fingers feels like they are wrapped in plastic wrap, I hate it all.

I did what any smart girl would do, I went to Sephora. The grand mecca of makeup help and spending your money. I went to the sales people and told them this:

“I am getting married, but I am not a makeup person. I rarely wear it but I don’t want to look washed out on my wedding day in the pictures. I HATE FOUNDATION TO MY CORE AND CAN FEEL IT ON MY SKIN. Is there anything that can provide blotchy reducing coverage without me ever feeling it? Does this exist? Also, help in general is needed.”

People, they helped me. Immediately I was directed to Smashbox and other varieties of tinted moisturizers for trying out. My favorite and the one I bought was Smashbox. I CANNOT FEEL IT on my skin. It’s like moisturizer and just is…gone after you put it on. But your red ass blotchy face? Looks pretty damn good. Good enough for pictures and now I won’t have to wash my face all off in the middle of the ceremony for feeling like I was wearing a sticky skin colored mask.

I also ended up buying my usual Philosophy Hope in a Bottle, Philosophy Microdelivery face wash, and an Urban Decay Lip Primer that helps keep your lip color on. I tried it out last night under a long wear lip stain thingy during dinner out with my very favorite people and it lasted throughout dinner. A keeper!

I’m glad we had this important talk.

I took on too much this semester, in the very real fear that I wouldn’t have enough classes to pay bills. Adjunct life can be wonderful, awesome in its flexibility and my ability to NOT be in an office all day. I walk in, spend some time in an office, teach a class and that is always exciting, and then have my own time.

Now, a lot of that time is spent in grading and prep work, but it’s still something I can do in my underwear :)

This semester I just got lobbed by late additions to my schedule. I likes the money (even though adjuncts are sorely underpaid), I love the classes. I’m just exhuasted!

*But no matter what? It’s all new in January, anyway. Another perk of teaching college in general!

Thirty dollah billz, ya’ll.

Is it wrong to put together your invitations and absolutely fall in love with them all over again?

They are stunning, thanks to OneReverie on Etsy. We have a few different colors than this, but it’s pretty close to ours. Ours are in navy, robin’s egg blue, cranberry, and a touch o’ green on the leaves.

And they have our names and information, too! Huzzah!

We chose navy blue envelopes, which are rich and sexy my goodness you should see these. But turns out, you uh, can’t WRITE on them. And we wanted them to be mail-worthy, so we bought labels.

I know, right? Labels are u.g.l.y.

Except for these at Paper-Source.com:

Instead of handwriting them, because we are tack-ay, we used a typewriter font so they truly look awesomely hand typed, with slightly uneven ink placement at that.

On the back of the envelopes, we used this label (also Paper Source):

And then, people, my wedding dress came in. It’s perfect. PERFECT! I can’t show it to you, but it’s not fussy, not a giant cupcake, but it’s gorgeous.

Our flowers will be blue and green hydrangeas, with very deep red roses and green berries. Gorgeous. Our location, gorgeous. My family who will be there with us? Amazing.

Yep, pretty giddy over here.

My partner and I are watching a History channel show on the Greek god, Zeus and I comment that, “See, honey, see….the women of the story of Zeus are either removed or it’s only from the male point of view. See it?”

(They show Zeus’ mother, Rhea, but not how Chronos treats her. The show also pretends like Zeus just grows up on his own, without any help or nurses…women or a woman who suspended him from a tree to make sure he was neither in the sky or on land, but in between, so his father wouldn’t know of his presence. UPDATE: Oh, and now Zeus only “seduces” women…but apparently rapes none of them. The *male* historians say he “tricked” women into sex, but I guess that’s not rape.)

Scott says, “Hmm, that’s weird.”

IT’S NOT WEIRD. IT’S NORMAL. Women’s contributions are always sanitized out of regular shows, literature, movies, songs, etc…it’s fucking normal.

And it gets my goat every time.

We ordered our wedding cake from HERE.

MMMmmmmmmm.

Etsy sellers OneReverie, MeadowBelleMarket, and SweetGrassMill will make your wedding a thousand times better.

In other news, baby Alex and baby Miles are doing just fine. More than fine. Those baby boys are mighty awesome.