My Own Crazy
I once said in a post somewhere that I know my own crazy. And I do, I meant that. I know when I’m getting more and more anxious and I can’t logically put things together like normal people. I know I am a champion at dissociating but I’ve noticed that as I’ve been working on that, and being more present in my own life, I find I’m frantic about it. Frantic about my own life, that is.
Turns out, my dissociating has sort of maybe gotten in the way of me living it completely. With my divorce I said I would never allow myself to just float in a less than prime situation again, much less another shitty one where I am hurt. I called it floating; it was me really removing myself mentally.
I’ve worked really, really hard to not do that these past few years. Staying present. Being aware of situations and emotions. Etc.
Except I think I’ve just turned it into anxiety. SCORE! I may now have a better handle on my crazy, really knowing when I’m doing something nutty. But the thing I DON’T know is how to turn off my own crazy. I can’t make it stop when I am in the middle of it. I can look back but I have a really hard time making my brain SHUSH already and calm down.
I’m freaked out now that I know I truly love NB and want a future with him. I want happiness. He wants the same things. And I’m shooting myself in the foot about it. He feels like I’m not happy. And I actually am very happy. My fears are getting in my way, though. I worry so much that he will just leave, or worse, stick with me even though he’s not happy, that I have found myself reading into every little thing he does.
Every slightly NEGATIVE thing. Oh, I note the positives and absolutely love them but girlplease, I more easily focus on any perceived negative.
Because I fear him up and leaving, I want to feel important to him. Apparently REALLY OBSESSIVELY important (and I really don’t want that, I just think I do at that crazy moment).
I fear that he’s going to use me for sex, and I don’t mean it in the usual way of describing casual sex. I mean used in the sense of “Hey honey, I’ve been looking at porn for the last fifteen minutes and I’m now going to need your vagina for a moment.” (Note: he does NOT do this nor does he stare at porn before bed or anything like that). I’ve been used this way before. I will not be used that way again. I have a great need to want to be wanted because he thinks I’m sexy, I’m what he wants, and I want and need to know it. He’s not great at the “You are pretty” comments, it’s just not his nature and right now, I need that. We’re trying to figure out a solution that works for both of us. But it feeds my crazy a bit, lucky guy. Anytime I fear that he doesn’t find me sexy but does indeed find women sexy, because it makes me wonder if I’m being used-literally, I get a bit hella crazy.
Because I fear emotionally charged changes (i.e., living together, marriage, work stuff not even related to NB, kidskidskids, house: buy house now, wait buy house with him?), I get anxious to have a plan. I mean, who doesn’t want a loose plan, right? Except I need a loose plan. It doesn’t need to be set in stone, but I’m having a really hard time not having one.
Because he was a widower I find myself worrying that his former marriage was THE love for him and I’m the runner up. I have no evidence for this. He’s doing well in helping with this. I’m reading the experiences of other women in this situation (hello, Internets!) and find that he’s such a good man it’s ridiculous. He’s totally living in his present and living life with me, and listening to my issues. He’s not making me feel this way, in fact he’s doing lovely things on his own probably without even realizing it, but my own head has its own moments.
I can’t turn this off right now. I’m trying, and failing, and before I know it I’ve had three meltdowns in three days and NB is trying to coax me back to bed from the couch wondering what the fuck happened? I’m trying to read about the effects of an unhealthy childhood (turns out, they’re not good effects, huh) and prior abuse. My reactions certainly fit and instead of wallowing in it, or removing myself from it, like I have for so many years, I’m trying to get the hell OVER it enough to just live mostly normally.
I don’t mind have a little anxiety, or a little dysfunction, who doesn’t have that? But I don’t want it to endanger my chances for happiness anymore. I need to get better.
Posted by Melissa on August 18th, 2008 under Melancholia
August 18th, 2008 at 11:11 pm
Hey -
You are okay, you know that? We all have our own levels of crazy, brought on the things that happen to us and the things that surround us.
I’m with you on so many levels. Had an ex cheat and leave me, have a new man in my life with so much happiness, yet I always look and wait for the other shoe to drop.
I think the key is to find balance in happiness and knowing sometimes life hands you sadness. I know it is hard, believe me. I have my own personal hell as we all do.
Just keep living day by day. It’s all you can do… and breathe.
:)
August 19th, 2008 at 12:10 am
Awww! You’re in love!
August 19th, 2008 at 9:39 am
You can’t look at it as being the “runner up”
Life handed you both great sadness. You were meant to find each other and be happy. If you were together any earlier, it might not have worked out like it is now. You are supposed to be together right now and have your joy and love. You earned each other, you both went through alot and you had to grow before you two could be in a good (normal)relationship. Have love Sis!
August 19th, 2008 at 10:47 am
It’s hard to learn to trust when people have been betraying your trust your whole life.
I have similar anxiety issues when it comes to my marriage, but I try to stuff them. My husband is awesome.
(I a similar problem with the compliments. My husband has never said to me, “You’re beautiful.” Instead, my husband says, “Do you know how beautiful you are?” which is probably just a verbal tic, but the anxiety-ridden crazy-voice inside my head always wants to tell me is his way of secretly getting around having to lie about my lack of attractiveness. See? CRAZY.)
August 19th, 2008 at 4:05 pm
Oh sweetie, that sucks. I used to deal with this ALL THE TIME, mainly because I feel like I married up and I was constantly worried he’d realize it one day and run far far away. I don’t know how I got over that, so I can’t tell you any tricks, much as I want to. I still worry though that I’m making him happy, that he finds me attractive (especially since I’m about 100 pounds heavier than I was when we met). It’s a battle, and I’m afraid one that I will always face.
Sometimes we are our own worst enemies, and I hope you can find a way to rid yourself of the ick and get on with the business of being in love (woot!).
August 20th, 2008 at 12:11 pm
I’m sorry to hear that your own brand of crazy is making you crazy. It sounds like you need to float a little and just enjoy the present. Don’t we all?
August 20th, 2008 at 2:51 pm
uggg
you need to get out of your head for a while..
book, tv, massage..
{{hugs}}
August 20th, 2008 at 6:35 pm
I feel ya. I don’t suppose it helps to say all this to NB? (It doesn’t help me one bit to say it it all flat out to mr. delagar, exactly what’s bothering me, I mean. I thought I’d suggest it, though, since the last therapist but one told me to try it.)
August 21st, 2008 at 10:42 am
Oh, the poor boy has heard it all. I don’t break junk to him on the blog :)
BUT, only so much helps since a lot of it is really my problem. And I try to say exactly what I think he can do to help. But he’s a dude, and I think it’s hard to get WHY I might need to hear certain things (like, you’re pretty) when he feels like I should be clear and confident on that already.
August 23rd, 2008 at 5:45 pm
Oh my gosh I so know what you mean. I’ve felt that way in every major relationship I’ve had. And now that hubbby and I are trying to pick up pieces of what’s happened over the last few months, its WORSE for me. (He doesn’t seem to get that.) I feel like I’m going crazy. I question my sanity more. And I cry alot.
So I have no answers. But it sounds like he’s an amazing man. But I know what you means. Its hard to let yourself relax and enjoy the moments. Easier said than done, yes?
August 25th, 2008 at 7:23 pm
dude. you are so normal. i mean, really. you just have lots of fears and you’re expressing them- can you TALK to him about all of this? i find that with my right guy, i can and could tell him why i’m acting crazy- what my fears were- waht i needed from him- and he would talk back to me…. and tell me he understood, etc.
do that. lol