Sugared Harpy

To bring you that my younger son just sang the lines,:

“Finger banging my heart,”

in his room just now. That seizing up you just felt, that was my brain.

Thank you for all your kindness. Really, it’s just amazing. You people in the computer, some of you I’ve actually hugged and most of you not. I want to hug you now.

I have a post in the works about dissociation. Because BORKblergUGH, I dissociate and I knew that but you know, I didn’t really know. I’ve read two books. Will be sharing. But damn it if work isn’t in my way.

I once said in a post somewhere that I know my own crazy. And I do, I meant that. I know when I’m getting more and more anxious and I can’t logically put things together like normal people. I know I am a champion at dissociating but I’ve noticed that as I’ve been working on that, and being more present in my own life, I find I’m frantic about it. Frantic about my own life, that is.

Turns out, my dissociating has sort of maybe gotten in the way of me living it completely. With my divorce I said I would never allow myself to just float in a less than prime situation again, much less another shitty one where I am hurt. I called it floating; it was me really removing myself mentally.

I’ve worked really, really hard to not do that these past few years. Staying present. Being aware of situations and emotions. Etc.

Except I think I’ve just turned it into anxiety. SCORE! I may now have a better handle on my crazy, really knowing when I’m doing something nutty. But the thing I DON’T know is how to turn off my own crazy. I can’t make it stop when I am in the middle of it. I can look back but I have a really hard time making my brain SHUSH already and calm down.

I’m freaked out now that I know I truly love NB and want a future with him. I want happiness. He wants the same things. And I’m shooting myself in the foot about it. He feels like I’m not happy. And I actually am very happy. My fears are getting in my way, though. I worry so much that he will just leave, or worse, stick with me even though he’s not happy, that I have found myself reading into every little thing he does.

Every slightly NEGATIVE thing. Oh, I note the positives and absolutely love them but girlplease, I more easily focus on any perceived negative.

Because I fear him up and leaving, I want to feel important to him. Apparently REALLY OBSESSIVELY important (and I really don’t want that, I just think I do at that crazy moment).

I fear that he’s going to use me for sex, and I don’t mean it in the usual way of describing casual sex. I mean used in the sense of “Hey honey, I’ve been looking at porn for the last fifteen minutes and I’m now going to need your vagina for a moment.” (Note: he does NOT do this nor does he stare at porn before bed or anything like that). I’ve been used this way before. I will not be used that way again. I have a great need to want to be wanted because he thinks I’m sexy, I’m what he wants, and I want and need to know it. He’s not great at the “You are pretty” comments, it’s just not his nature and right now, I need that. We’re trying to figure out a solution that works for both of us. But it feeds my crazy a bit, lucky guy. Anytime I fear that he doesn’t find me sexy but does indeed find women sexy, because it makes me wonder if I’m being used-literally, I get a bit hella crazy.

Because I fear emotionally charged changes (i.e., living together, marriage, work stuff not even related to NB, kidskidskids, house: buy house now, wait buy house with him?), I get anxious to have a plan. I mean, who doesn’t want a loose plan, right? Except I need a loose plan. It doesn’t need to be set in stone, but I’m having a really hard time not having one.

Because he was a widower I find myself worrying that his former marriage was THE love for him and I’m the runner up. I have no evidence for this. He’s doing well in helping with this. I’m reading the experiences of other women in this situation (hello, Internets!) and find that he’s such a good man it’s ridiculous. He’s totally living in his present and living life with me, and listening to my issues. He’s not making me feel this way, in fact he’s doing lovely things on his own probably without even realizing it, but my own head has its own moments.

I can’t turn this off right now. I’m trying, and failing, and before I know it I’ve had three meltdowns in three days and NB is trying to coax me back to bed from the couch wondering what the fuck happened? I’m trying to read about the effects of an unhealthy childhood (turns out, they’re not good effects, huh) and prior abuse. My reactions certainly fit and instead of wallowing in it, or removing myself from it, like I have for so many years, I’m trying to get the hell OVER it enough to just live mostly normally.

I don’t mind have a little anxiety, or a little dysfunction, who doesn’t have that? But I don’t want it to endanger my chances for happiness anymore. I need to get better.

There is a lot of picture adding and talking about yourself. So far (probably because I haven’t gotten to grading anything yet), it’s been like ramped up blogging.

Awesome!

We had our annual pre-Fall Semester department meeting at one of my colleges today. This is the first semester since I started teaching there that I haven’t taught Art History, I’m only teaching Art Appreciation courses instead (I’ve still got regular ol’ Art History at other schools). I was intended to be the only one teaching the Art History courses because at this school, I was the first and only Art Historian they’ve had.

However, this semester all those Art History courses have somehow migrated to being evening classes. For some reason, I can’t seem to teach all night classes. Oh yeah, MY CHILDREN.

Seriously, I have kids. If I’m going to be leaving them home alone every night after school then I’m going to get a job that has benefits and fucking paid vacation. I can’t teach all night classes, I CAN teach all day while their in school though. They are just too old for a babysitter but too young to really be trusted for that length of time. They’re good kids, but you know, they’re KIDS.

So, I’m teaching Art Appreciation for this particular school and it’s awesome because I have a good schedule. And we’re in this meeting of all the teachers.

One of the teachers has put together a pretty snazzy slide library and he was discussing it to the new instructors, one of whom is another art historian hired to teach the night classes I turned down. Awesome, I think, she’s an art historian teaching art history…good!

That is, until the slide library guy says something to her like, “I’m not a historian, but I’m so excited you are! Can I pick your brain sometime about some of these images, I’ve always wondered how to categorize some things.” She says sure. He does A JIG of glee.

Um, dude, I’ve been teaching here for three years. Teaching art history. As an art historian. And YOU TALK TO ME ALL THE TIME.

“Arrrghh” means I’m frustrated, not that I’m angry at you.

I have no time this week (Six Flags! Work! Pie!) but I wanted to quickly give you my list from Fair Shares from Wednesday:

Ivan’s Figs
Herbs en Route Basil
Ozark Forest Mushrooms
Denen Orchard Peaches
Lee Farms Globe Eggplant
Yellow Wood Farm Heirloom Tomatoes
Yellow Wood Farm Fingerling Potatoes
Hinkebein Hills Farm Pork Steak
Mangia Italiano Fettucini
Companion Bakery Croissants
Mississippi Mud Coffee

The tomatoes and peaches so far? OMGDELICIOUS. And the basil came in a gorgeous bouquet.

I hate the stupid rigid plastic packaging that junk I buy comes in. It’s called clamshell packaging. And it hates you.

I always tried opening it with scissor, muscle, and will power. And fear. A healthy does of fear because the edges of the plastic was scary sharp.

Today, I finally bought an external hard drive so I could back up my computer. I’ve maybe learned a wee lesson after this incident.

The external hard drive, a portable one from Toshiba for $99, came in that hateful clamshell packaging.

I feared it.

I GOOGLED it.

And learned a duh! easy lesson about opening them. Scissors suck. Use a can opener.

Can Opener Method
1. Get a standard rotary can opener out of your kitchen.
2. Open the clamshell as if it was a can. The sharp wheels of the can opener will cut the plastic, without cutting your hands.

It worked! Hey, the plastic is still sharp, but oh man so much better.

I joined a CSA this week. A Community Supported Agriculture program that gives me a box of goodies every week, according to what’s seasonal.

I’m so excited!

I joined Fair Shares, a “non-profit organization dedicated to getting fresh, local, seasonal food into the hands of more St. Louisans–regardless of their income.”

Further, “Fair Shares will donate profits and work with other organizations to help low-income families gain access to “real” food. Fair Shares is working with local farmers and producers to form a Combined CSA (CCSA). Each week, we’ll collect, organize and distribute a well-rounded example of the freshest, seasonal, sustainably-produced foods available in St. Louis all year long.”

Sounds awesome, right? I thought so and put myself on their wait list a few months ago. It’s a bit costly, around $50 a week for 47 weeks (and you put up much of the money up front, even with payment plans, so the farmers are paid) but this CSA is not all produce.

You get meat each week, plus grains, eggs, honey, cheeses, mushrooms, jams, etc. as they are available.

This is what we got this week.

We have:
Lee Farms Cantaloupe
Sunny Ridge Farm Blackberries
Lee Farms Summer Squash
Hale Farms White Eggplant
Hale Farms Asian Eggplant
Rutherford Farm Pea Shoots
Brick City Gardens Lettuce
Hale Farm Tomatoes
Gooding Farm Sweet Onions
Lee Farm Green Peppers
American Grassfed Beef -cruelty/hormone free Ground Beef
River Hills Poultry Alliance Eggs
San Luis (St. Louis) Tortilla Chips
Companion Baking (St. Louis) Multigrain Rolls

And Toby.

And there WAS a full container of blackberries and more rolls, but the kids couldn’t wait and ate them in the car. Those blackberries tasted like wine, full bodied sweet tart amazing wine.

The purpose of me signing up for this was mainly because my Papa was a farmer, my Grandma had a garden on the farm. I KNOW what real food tastes like. And it’s not what your grocery store is selling you. Have you ever had a home-grown tomato? Oh my god. There is NO comparison. Same goes for strawberries, green beans, onions, asparagus, cherries and the like.

I wondered what other real food tasted like. This was my biggest incentive. Good tasting things.

Also, Fair Shares is dedicated to growers who grow consciously. Meaning, they grow mostly organic but some will, on rare occasions, use a gentler pesticide in light of losing an entire crop. All grow organically in all regular situations, choosing to nurture the land by rotating crops and using natural pesticides like posting bird houses near a crop. All meat farmers raise their animals cruelty-free. Chickens roam around clover fields, pigs have ample room and no one gets hormones.

This is a nice perk and one I’m thrilled to now give to my family.

So I get this surprise box every week, since everything is grown according to season. We’ll get more produce now, more meat/jams/cheeses in the winter. This is my first week’s box and it contained some items I have either never seen or rarely cook.

I know what to do with tomatoes (uh, we mainly just eat them because OMG they are delicious), I know what to do with farm eggs. I can make things with green peppers and onions. We just gobbled up those blackberries in a day.

But pea shoots? What the hell are pea shoots?

I found a website dedicated to pea shoots, Peashoots.com! (Oh, internet, don’t stop loving me like you do.)

There, I found a recipe for Pea Shoot Bubble and Squeak. NB and I decided this is possibly the best and most ridiculously named dish ever, and that was enough to make it. And it was AWESOME.

People, make this:

Pea Shoot Bubble and Squeak

Take handfuls of the mashed potato mix and make into patties then fry for 2 minutes on each side until golden brown. Delicious served with cold meat, slices of ham or grilled sausages.

Turns out, Bubble and Squeak is pretty much a potato pancake dish. I didn’t take any pictures of it. We had to eat it. It was so delicious and the nice thing I’m learning about Bubble and Squeak is that you can add any veggies you pretty much want. People just use leftover mashed potatoes and any leftover vegetables on hand, just mix it up, shape patties out of it, fry and eat it. Delicious! Totally filling comfort food.

NB and I had this with smoked turkey sausage (which, honestly, I could have left out and still had a filling dinner) and a summer squash recipe from Simply Recipes, a food blog.

Make this one too:

Mom’s Summer Squash Recipe
Ingredients

In a separate stick-free fry pan, put the tomatoes and cook at medium hi heat for about 5 minutes, stirring occasionally. You want to let the juice from the tomatoes evaporate some. After 5 minutes, add the tomatoes to the rest of the vegetables and stir. NOTE: I didn’t do this at all. I just used one pan. Why use two? I just threw the tomatoes into the same pan at the very end. I didn’t want to really cook them, just barely warm them. Salt and pepper to taste.

This dish was also awesome. So colorful and delicious. The cheese didn’t make the dish cheesy so much as savory. I pretty much just chopped the veggies and garlic, threw in all but the tomatoes, turned the burner up fairly high and let it go. I stirred it sometimes but pretty much was making the Bubble and Squeak at the same time. At the end, after about ten or fifteen minutes (I really don’t know, it’s not a dish you have to babysit) I added the tomatoes and cheese until melty. And then we ate it.

Happily, there are leftovers of both. Go on, go eat well today.