Family Tree of a Modern Child
As NB and I continue on this little journey and sometimes discuss what’s next, we have noticed something. Our kids have a lot of unexpected siblings.
Daniel and Brett have Sister 1 and Sister 2 at their dad’s. Add in NB’s daughter, E, let’s say. Even if we aren’t living together *yet* nor are we married *not even discussing at this point* they are spending time together and will continue to. If we live together, that solidifies that relationship more. And, if Mike has kids/stepkids, they would most likely count too.
Now include E’s siblings: Sister, Brother 1, and Brother 2 at her mom’s. Also, Step Sister 1, Step Brother, and Step Sister 2 from her dad’s late wife. That gives my kids three unexpected siblings and possibly more by extension of E’s siblings, depending on how the kids later define family for themselves and who they actually spend time wth. E gets eight clear siblings.
The million dollar question is: Is this a problem?
On the positive side, not really. My kids have benefited GREATLY from having my niece Ashley around, as close as a sister, because man oh man is she making them better men for learning how to talk to, not be afraid of, enjoy, laugh with, and learn the sweet and toughness of girls. As for their own sisters, they frustrate them sometimes (to the point of tears for Daniel) because they are LITTLE girls with big ideas about touching not-their-toys, but they also cherish those siblings to pieces. Daniel is an amazingly patient young man with little kids.
As for adding another sibling-like person into their life, well, she’s here. They adore her. They think E hung the moon. Of course if they live together full time they will at some point, argue. So what? Learning to argue is a skill, a valuable skill we all need a lifetime to figure out. But for now, they just like having her around when she is. She seems to enjoy their company as well. All three don’t seem to be as worried about this crap as maybe me or NB.
On the other hand, it could. That’s a lot of people with whom they have to get along. They have to decide at some point who they consider family, since as older kids, they may or may not include who I think they will. It’s more time that is potentially taken away from them. It’s more together time that includes more than just mama and them. It’s more figuring out where they fit in their own family.
You know what though, I can’t say I think those are strong enough reasons to worry to the point of not continuing the relationship or stifling where ever it leads. And seriously, I’m a worrier.
This is all in my head as we discuss where we are going with this thing we have.
I am not interested in marriage at this point. I just need a lot more time before I want to commit myself financially, really, to someone else. After my divorce, I really struggled when I read my credit report. After much letter writing, all is well again. But to feel you didn’t exist for ten years really stings. To know that even stuff, like CARS, you bought alone didn’t make it onto your credit report until you bitched…well, it’ll take some time to make that plunge again.
I could live together, I could go through the hassle of legally making sure things are what you want (such as property issues), but it will take some time to dunk myself into such a bullshit patriarchal system. And, hey, no one will berate me for not changing my name as it won’t be expected. Not that I don’t love when someone gets married or is married or that I won’t get married again someday, by the way, I just wish it wasn’t so intrinsically fucked up for women.
I do wish that couples with children who are committed to each other, whether or not they are “living apart together” or cohabitating, got similar respect as married couples. Because honestly, no matter how someone slices it or what people tell you, hetero-normative style marriage does not equal a more committed relationship (see: True Wife Confessions or you know, talk to a committed gay couple of forty years.)
And not being married doesn’t mean your kids won’t see you as family anyway. Which is probably the part that freaks us out the most :)
Posted by Melissa on May 20th, 2008 under Boyfriendlies, Flaming Ovaries, Married Once, Twice, Whatever, Spawn
May 20th, 2008 at 2:07 pm
Nothing was ever 100% normal, I mean it starts with me being adopted. But everyone around me was married to their “baby daddy” and their siblings were all “whole”.. then I meet my husband. It is as confusing as what I was trying to read above.
His bparents died in a crash.. adopted by aunt and uncle they have a daugher, his cousin becomes his sister then he has another sister, then his parents divorce his dad remarrys a woman with a kid from a previous marriage and he adopts her then his mom marries a guy w/ 2 adopted and one bio kid… It took forever to figure all that stuff out.. But my point is..when talked about..or in feelings..it is my Brother or Sister..not half, step etc..there is no additional explanation.
And AMEN sister on the non married perception and rites!
May 20th, 2008 at 3:05 pm
I think the more family around, the better! And that family will be what you and your boys make of it.
And you are right. No one really tells young girls that women typically get the fuzzy end of the lollipop regarding marriage.
May 20th, 2008 at 3:47 pm
Jeff and I’ve been together over 7 years, have lived together for essentially 6 1/2, and have yet to get married. . . it seems to bother everyone else more than it ever does/will us. Maybe one day we will, just for the financial benefits (social security, etc). . . but right now, our financial situation is better (read: cheaper) because we aren’t married. My name is staying the same whether we’re married or not. Even if we do get married, it’s not going to be a big thing where everyone (or anyone, actually) is invited. There won’t be any bridal showers or bachelorette parties. I already wear a wedding ring. . . .the list goes on.
The only thing that would actually change if we get married is the way everyone else views our relationship.
May 20th, 2008 at 10:09 pm
Okay…why am I laughing at the fact you tagged this with “Flaming Ovaries’…
I know where you are coming from. Had two children, married, divorced and now seeing someone who is married and has two teenage girls to rival my 2 teenage boys.Things were bumpy at first first but we are starting to get into the grove with things and getting to know each others kids and their personalities. What was really hard was getting to the point that all of this ‘was okay’. Okay not only with our kids but with ourselves. Its hard sharing your family with someone new.
May 21st, 2008 at 8:51 am
More siblings are good, in my book. When I was a kid, I got along better with my “unexpected” siblings (my father’s live-in girlfriend’s adopted children who had originally been her niece and nephew) than I ever did with my “blood” sister, actually!
The only bad part is when some relative turns up the psycho on you and splits the family and you never really get to see your naturalized sibs again, because you can’t include them in your life without also including the psycho relative who poisons souls almost as an unconscious habit.
But I don’t see that happening in your case. You’re clearly all done with psycho. NB sounds lovely, sane and stable, and his daughter sounds great.
May 21st, 2008 at 3:58 pm
I tell Ashley how lucky she is to have so many people love her. The same for the Boys. They have sooo much love!