warning, depressing
My last two days were awful. I’m sorry to report it, but they were. However, do not feel bad if you had fun, complained about your hectic days, or anything. I’ve had them all and probably bitched too!
I didn’t get drunk, but lo, that was hard not to try. I decided to stay away from over consuming anything but bed and pajamas and movies.
I learned that instead of roughly six hours with the kids, I got three. They left all day, came home and slept, they got up, opened presents from me, slept for two hours, left again, came home, back to bed. Today they are here, but gearing up to play outside with friends.
And you know what? It’s not their job to keep mama happy. That’s mama’s job, and she’s sucking at it right now.
I just feel down. Down, down, down. It’s hard for me to shake it and I’m not sure when I will. I’m tired because I can’t stay asleep, I’m shutting down inside, yet I’m needy.
I don’t know why this year is hitting me so hard. I’m guessing it’s because last year, my first Christmas after separation, I was moving into a new house and therefore, busy. This year, not moving, not busy. Alone.
I know I’m wallowing in self pity, I know I’m feeling so so sorry for myself. But I’m having a really hard time shaking it.
I do not want to be someone’s bitch for a few days while I sort this out. I want to be wrapped up in love and attention.
Ha.
Posted by Melissa on December 26th, 2007 under Melancholia
December 26th, 2007 at 12:28 pm
Can I interest you in a little Misery Loves Company? My just-now whiny post was the third draft I tried, after deciding my first two were a little too clinically depressed.
I fucking hate the holidays, always have. Granted, there are many more fun moments now when I forget to be a hater, but I just get in a funk in December. Usually gets better in April, though, so yay- it’s only a few months of cranky assholeness.
Wish I were there to offer you some chocolate and a quilt and a hot toddy:)
December 26th, 2007 at 2:31 pm
If you are down, does being married have some benefit? I mean, you get to present your problems to some guy who decides to tell you everything that is wrong with you that got you into the down state. And you miss this?
December 26th, 2007 at 3:26 pm
Ha! No, I do not miss that at all. I miss not being alone on holidays and important occasions, I think. I am alone a LOT for my work and so on these things, for some reason, it’s getting to me more than it should.
I definitely don’t miss being told what is wrong with me…not at all. I usually know my own crazy!
December 26th, 2007 at 5:57 pm
“I usually know my own crazy!”
Best comment on that subject I’ve ever heard.
I wish I could make you feel better, but, of course, this isn’t possible. Just know that you have friends out here in the ether who are thinking of you and hoping you shake that funk very soon.
(((You)))
December 26th, 2007 at 7:06 pm
I’m sorry to hear you had one of those kinds of Christmases. Been there. Yesterday, I think. Not as bad as other years (for me) but I know the Holiday Blues and I are close acquaintances. Having limited kid time doesn’t help.
Be gentle with yourself and do whatever little bits of self-care you can muster.
And don’t ever worry about venting it here! This is your space to vent when you need to.
December 27th, 2007 at 11:30 am
this is the christmas that i knew for sure without a doubt. my marriage is over. next year will be the moving. the following the sharing of the kids and the drunkeness. i can hardly wait.
December 27th, 2007 at 1:25 pm
Seester. I love you. Have I ever told you that? I love you very much and I hate when you are down. It’s OK to be down, just don’t get too comfortable there. I know it’s easy for us to stay in that dark place. I am here for you when ever you are ready. Just ask. I will come over and cry with you, hold you or tuck into bed. I will make you a hard drink or pick up some kick ass junk food. Whenever or whatever you need Lovey. I love you :)
December 27th, 2007 at 10:37 pm
Hmm. Maybe you could tell the boys you would really like to spend a little time with them this week, because you missed them on Christmas Day. Like, you would like to bake cookies or watch a movie or something together. Not in a guilt-trippy sort of way, but just in a “Hey I like spending time with you and would like to have more time to spend with you” sort of way.
They couldn’t take offense at that, could they? (Well, they ARE pubescent boys, so I suppose they could take offense at anything.)
December 28th, 2007 at 9:34 am
[again with the supportive hugs, ’cause I’ve really got nothing else]
Oh, and BTW? I think whining on your blog is a perfectly reasonable response to all this, and yes, totally beats the heck out of drinking or other screamingly tempting self-destructive behavior. So go, you! :)