Sugared Harpy

My last two days were awful. I’m sorry to report it, but they were. However, do not feel bad if you had fun, complained about your hectic days, or anything. I’ve had them all and probably bitched too!

I didn’t get drunk, but lo, that was hard not to try. I decided to stay away from over consuming anything but bed and pajamas and movies.

I learned that instead of roughly six hours with the kids, I got three. They left all day, came home and slept, they got up, opened presents from me, slept for two hours, left again, came home, back to bed. Today they are here, but gearing up to play outside with friends.

And you know what? It’s not their job to keep mama happy. That’s mama’s job, and she’s sucking at it right now.

I just feel down. Down, down, down. It’s hard for me to shake it and I’m not sure when I will. I’m tired because I can’t stay asleep, I’m shutting down inside, yet I’m needy.

I don’t know why this year is hitting me so hard. I’m guessing it’s because last year, my first Christmas after separation, I was moving into a new house and therefore, busy. This year, not moving, not busy. Alone.

I know I’m wallowing in self pity, I know I’m feeling so so sorry for myself. But I’m having a really hard time shaking it.

I do not want to be someone’s bitch for a few days while I sort this out. I want to be wrapped up in love and attention.

Ha.

For how many of us is this true? How many custodial parents are making sure everyone else gets “their” time with the kids during the holidays at the expense of our own?

I get time today, Sunday, with the children, from 1pm to 6am in the morning, Christmas Eve, when their dad comes. They come home around midnight and go to sleep. They leave again at 3pm, Christmas Day, for Mike’s and come home at bedtime. And I’m STILL pissing off family.

You want to put your foot down. You want to say: No, I hate spending holidays without them. I hate spending it alone.

But it’s not about you.

Brett was just on the phone reading paragraphs on the Spartans to his girlfriend.

This does not bode well for his future partners. I may know something of this.

The boys’ big Christmas present this year was a new bike for each of them.

Daniel picked this one:

Brett picked this one:

Oh yeah, a hot pink bike! He also has a pink recorder and slugs around a La Leche League backpack. And he’s all boy.

I have a strong urge to buy one of those NOEL tabletop thingies and make it spell LEON.

I just had 15 eleven through thirteen year olds in my house. On purpose.

The kids wanted to have some sort of party and with the holidays, it seemed like a good enough excuse for them. They asked a month ago. My first response? NO.

My second? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

Then, finally, they looked so happy and hopeful…so, okay.

Earlier this week, I started to get nervous when the boys were calling up all their friends saying, “Bring all the light sabers you have.”

Then the yes responses started coming in.

Then, tonight, they started arriving in droves. And you know what? It was loud, it was THE CRAZY, but they were all so good and well behaved. I had no problems whatsoever.

They played outside a lot, yes, with a thousand light sabers waving about. The girls (yes, coed!) didn’t know they were entering nerd fight 2007 but soon enough got over, grabbed a light saber and started playing zombies and humans with the boys.

Then, there was the Nintendo playing. And pizza. And caffeine-free sodas, because mama is not stupid.

Then, the greatest part of the night. Rob Your Neighbor. Oh my GOD, were they funny. My niece spent a lot of time loudly instructing the boys on how to sit in a DAMN CIRCLE, HOW HARD IS THIS, SIT HERE SIT HERE! The game was killing me because they were all talking in that circle, saying the funniest stuff. At one point, Brett brought out the Shrek CD.

Every last kid was singing every last word of that CD together, dancing where they sat. After this more zombie versus humans outside, where my sister and I HAD to go out and watch now.

Kids are so great. Every one I talked to, including my own head, said I was nuts for letting the boys have this party, but I tell you what. They were so very happy.

Worth it, worth it, worth it.

I think these cookies were pretty good, but not great. They have the taste and consistancy of brownies in cookie form.

9:30 am

11:30 am

Tomorrow morning, Daniel gets braces for about year. Is it wrong to photograph that?

I see much gum chewing and candy eating tonight :)

About laughing.