100 Things.
Everyone has one of these 100 Things About Me doohickie. And I’m nothing if not a follower. So, here you go.
1. I was born in Columbus, Mississippi.
2. My dad was in the Air Force at the time. I was there for only 9 months of my life.
3. My mom has sworn I have kept a bit of a southern accent. Let me remind you, I was only there for my first 9 months.
4. My mom called Mississippi the “arm pit” of America. I’m sure it’s lovely, people from Mississippi.
5. My parents then moved to Missouri. Surely, that is not the arm pit of America. What with the progressive thinking and all.
6. I have a younger sister. Her name is Lindy. She is better than your sister. And prettier. By FAR.
7. Well, I have a few sisters. And a brother. Patience, we’ll get there.
8. My parents divorced when I was about ten. I’m sure that was a good thing.
9. A year or two ago, my sister and I realized that my mom was gone for about a year after that. Where the hell she was, I don’t know. I’m hoping she had a good reason, like her sanity.
10. That year, we lived with our dad. We made a lot of room-sized tents and ate a lot of Dinty Moore Beef Stew.
11. Once, I ran to catch the school bus because I was late. Who the fuck does that?
12. Me. I like school.
13. My sister would have done a jig and then went back to her bowl of ice cream soup.
14. I once won a boy’s Huffy bike from McDonald’s when I was a kid.
15. You bet your ass I used it to taunt the neighborhood boys. “Look at my awesome bike!!! No, you can’t ride it. You can watch me ride it. HAHAHAHAHA.”
16. That thing hurt my delicate girlie bits because that bar in the middle? Straight back. I think I lost my hymen to that fucker.
17. It wasn’t the delicate flower of my womanness that skeevy Christian daddies think it was.
18. Pledging your virginity to your father is fucking weird. I highly suggest that a purity ring is also creepy. And will probably enable the getting of an STD.
19. Um, hi. I have strong views on women and sexual education.
20. Because I was a pregnant teen, and because I have not always been treated well by men. Starting in my early teens.
21. And I’ve seen all, not kidding, all of my friends get sexually abused. One way or another, a lack of getting consent - rape, marital rape, date rape, child abuse, or the abuse of sexual power…all of them. Let that sink in a minute.
21. I love men. I married two. I’m RAISING two.
22. I got pregnant in high school.
23. So did my sister.
24. We were, let’s say, under supervised for those years. We lived with our mom, and she liked to par-tay. Our dad saw us every other weekend and was kind of out of the picture with our rearing, mostly. Our stepparents were not good.
25. So, I’m pregnant and 17. Awesome!
26. I wound up a prom queen candidate. Seven months along. And I was a cheerleader.
27. I decided to have the baby. I was going to be able to graduate and my mom said the most helpful thing in the world to me, “Honey, we’ll just fold this baby into our lives.”
28. If you have a pregnant daughter, and she wants to keep the baby - not abort, and not adopt out - say this to her. And mean it. She CAN parent. Young mothers are not necessarily bad mothers.
29. That said, I also strongly believe in good sex education and birth control. If you want to prevent abortions and unplanned pregnancies, this is your way. Not shame, not picketing, you idiots. Prevention.
30. I understand abortion. I do not like it, no one does. NO ONE. But women’s health, mental and physical, deem it necessary. So does our pitiful version of family law in this country. So I also support the access to safe abortion.
31. I’ll be off that soapbox now.
32. So I had a son at 18. His name is Daniel. He’s 13. He’s super wonderful and better than your firstborn son.
33. Hey! I got pregnant nine months after I had him! What’s that you say about birth control?!
34. Brett was born 18 months after Daniel. Wow, hello, tandem breastfeeding. Aren’t you interesting.
35. I married their father when Daniel was 7 months old.
36. We divorced when Brett was 6 months old. Getting married for the kids, super awesome idea.
37. I married again, young, at 22.
38. That marriage just ended this summer. Well, it’s been ending for a while. But the divorce was final this summer.
39. I met him at work.
40. We worked in a casino. First in the restaurants, then as blackjack dealers.
41. That response you have? The one of “ooooh, fun!”? Stuff it back, it was not fun.
42. Years and years of drunk people thinking you are a prick who is stealing their money.
43. Because, people, have you seen Vegas? Casinos, not even riverboat casinos, don’t have to cheat, the games are already built to make you LOSE. Duh.
44. So I was married again. And whoa doggy, were we different. In love, hopelessly, but so very different. Different kinds of families was a biggun.
45. We never figured it out. We tried harder some years, less so others. We had bad times. We had some amazing times.
46. We made it eight years. Nine if you count our last year, but I was moved out for most it.
47. So, I have more siblings. Wanna hear about them?
48. My sister and I have a chosen sister. Her name is Anne.
49. Our moms divorced around the same time. And par-tayed at the same time. Leaving our young asses alone together a lot.
50. We’ve been through some shit together. And some hair styles. Yowza.
51. I also have a step brother and step sister. That’s about all there is to that.
52. During my second marriage, we put each other through college. I’m still proud of both of us.
53. So fuck you naysayers that pregnant teens don’t go to university. Just fuck you. Yes, YES, it’s harder. We know. We are parents, not idiots.
54. I got my BA in Art History. Rocking the marketable degree!
55. I also interned my ass off. Working a crappy midnight blackjack dealing job plus being partnered allowed me to do that.
56. My boys’ father became a police officer. He always wanted to do that. Regardless of our shit, I’m proud of that for him.
57. For a while, I’m a blackjack dealer and he is a cop. So what does Daniel say in kindergarten? “My mommy is a dealer and my daddy shoots people.”
58. We didn’t join the PTA.
59. I interned at art organizations, at history organizations, hell at science organizations. I worked for anyone. I was a intern whore.
60. I went to graduate school. I earned an MA. And interned more.
61. All that interning and fellowshipping? Made my unmarketable self, marketable.
62. I worked for some fabulous museums. I loved it.
63. For those of you thinking of working in fabulous museums, don’t forget that it’s typically a not for profit institution and hella people just like you have that same degree…yeah. Loved the work, though.
64. Now I teach college and university students.
65. I love it. LOVE IT.
66. When I was born the nurses told my mom that I had sloe eyes. She thought they said I was slow. And was pissed.
67. There have been more than a few times where I (and my sister and cousins) have been asked where the Asian is in our bloodline.
68. Dude, if there is, I don’t know. As far as we know, there is French, Welsh, German, with a Gypsy (Roma) great-grandmother thrown in for good measure.
69. My family lies. A lot. We had no idea until we were adults how much they lied. Maybe it’s just that they are storytellers, really.
70. I also have a soul sister. Christine.
71. I have a fondness for pies.
72. But not as much as my fondness for caramel apples. Orgasm.
73. So, I’m dating.
74. I call him NB (New Boyfriend). He’s not all that new I suppose, but we fought this whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing for some time. He’s wonderful. He really is.
75. He also has a fondness for pies. That is not overwhelmed by caramel apples. This is good, since I am not sharing them so much.
76. Would you like me to share all the naughty details about him? Of course you would. No, really, you would. But, no.
77. He has a daughter. And an ex wife. And a late wife. I’ve been married twice. I have two kids. Hello, Baggage! But somehow, this is working so far. Nicely.
78. For the moment, I have pink hair.
79. Well, right now it’s kind of sunset hair. Pink at the roots, fading to pink/orange and then blonde. It’s pretty. It’s just the way it fades. I’ll re-pink it again this week.
80. I love this pink hair thing. Manic Panic, y’all.
81. I tried purple. It turned to gray pretty quickly. Do not want.
82. I study art and sex. Basically.
83. When I study it, that is.
84. I love gender issues, politics and culture, and sex. Hello, sex. I do love you. I do!
85. It’s fascinating to me. And apparently to artists. Thankfully.
86. My classes do learn that pretty quickly.
87. I have a thing for soup or cereal bowls, also. I don’t know, something comforting about a pretty bowl or a sturdy bowl.
88. I love to cook. I really love to bake. I’m baking sweet potato pies tonight. TINY ONES.
89. I love tiny foods. For my sister’s wedding shower, Anne and I made tiny cakes for her.
90. Tiny cakes are delicious. And time consuming.
91. My sister has a daughter.
92. I cannot tell you the joy Ashley brings me. She is such a firecracker.
93. That girl is going to own all of us someday. Your city, your businesses, you.
94. I also have a thing for paper. Pretty, crisp, soft, old, new paper. Gimme.
95. If you want to make me happy, touch me. Touch my arm, hug me, pat me, I don’t know, but I’m a sucker for a tender, loving, hot, sweet, friendly touch.
96. Unless I don’t know you. Then, no.
97. I am allergic to cats.
98. I have two cats.
99. Am also genius.
100. I’d like to leave you with this: I get my lady bits waxed.
Posted by Melissa on October 15th, 2007 under Observations
October 16th, 2007 at 8:04 am
You are so funny - we love you so much and everything about you Sis!
October 16th, 2007 at 10:04 am
That may be one of the best 100 Things I’ve ever read (and trust me, I’ve read a lot of them).
October 16th, 2007 at 11:12 am
Dear one. I thought by now you would know better on the whole teeny tiny food thing.
October 16th, 2007 at 2:19 pm
that is the best 100 list EVER. also love tiny foods..well really just tiny cakes. also teen momma with a collge degree.
October 16th, 2007 at 2:21 pm
Jessica, you would think I knew by now. But NO.
I have four tiny pie ramekins that are killing me with their cuteness. Filling with tiny pies for a few weeks. If my stupid camera would lower herself to take pictures, I would share.
Baking four tiny pies is a lot better than baking a bajillion tiny cakes that you then dip in chocolate. We were insane for even thinking of it.
October 16th, 2007 at 3:01 pm
OH Harpy. I didn’t think I could adore you any more than what I already do but in reading this list… Yup. I adore you all the more. So much, that I’d TOTALLY share my orgasmic carmel apples with ya. (I have two left!)
October 16th, 2007 at 3:19 pm
Read this list with a big smile on my face. And I still think the words “tiny cakes” are magic. Pure magic.
October 16th, 2007 at 10:16 pm
hands down, best 100 things meme I’ve ever read.
October 17th, 2007 at 8:32 am
I love this! It’s a poem!
October 17th, 2007 at 6:15 pm
You are my heroine. Tandem breastfeeding? Pro-Choice? Artsy Genius?
I swoon.
And pink hair, just yay!
October 19th, 2007 at 10:29 am
Gillette Fusion
October 19th, 2007 at 2:50 pm
That might be the most awesome 100 things I’ve ever read! #95 cracked me up because I firmly believe there’s a line in society drawn between touchers and non-touchers and few cross it.
October 22nd, 2007 at 12:19 pm
Best 100 things ever. I took mine down when I realized I couldn’t get past #50-something. (Seriously, I’m only half as interesting as most bloggers.)
November 27th, 2007 at 6:50 pm
i can’t seem to get past #72 before my eyes roll up in my head and i go all limp and just murmur “mmmm”…caramel apples…
March 1st, 2008 at 2:39 pm
Yep..I can listen to you for hours..Pink Hair..Bossy will love you too!
March 11th, 2008 at 6:32 pm
I loved the list, don’t know how I ended up hear but anyways… cool! luuv from Norway :)