I hope everyone has a safe and fun Halloween. Much candy to you, much GOOD candy!
And if you are dressing up your child like so:
Your child will be getting a jacket, some boy pants, and a poncho instead of said good candy.
I was in line at the grocery store today, getting very jittery because I was running late and the kids were supposed to get off the bus any minute and the line was not moving. Something about a boxed rack of ribs (??) being on sale, not on sale.
Ack.
I was getting very worried. My children! I had no idea if they remembered a key; they could be stranded outside. At least it’s nice out, but still. Brett is a crier. He would cry if he thought he was forgotten, even if his big brother was with him.
As I’m completely lost in my own anxiety, the much older woman in front of me starts talking to me.
“I bought all these Halloween decorations SEVENTY FIVE PERCENT OFF!”
“That’s wonderful! I love Halloween stuff.”
“Me too. I’m sending them to my great grandchildren. I’m going to make them love Halloween because there will be CANDY IN THESE when they open the box.”
“Can I be one of your great grandchildren?”
Laughs.
“Oh my!”
Realizes she’s noticed my carnation pink hair.
“I LOVE YOUR HAIR!! The PINK IS SO PRETTY!”
???
“Oh, um, thank you!”
“And they think old ladies dye our hair blue on accident…”
Student:
Hi…. I have a question about the essay part of the test. I am not to sure of what you mean when you say “explain why we study it”,,,I am not real sure of why we do and I haven’t been able to find an answer. If you could help me with this I would appreciate it.
Instructor:
What I mean is what are the things the book and I are pointing out about an object…why this object is important historically and art historically.
Think of the beginning of the Renaissance, we study Ghiberti and Brunelleschi’s two entries for the doors because it is a recorded competition that starts the Renaissance, it shows taste and style desired, Ghiberti uses half the bronze, etc.
Does that help?
Student:
Sort of. I guess I am just confused on why do we study it, in your lecture are you giving us the reasons why we study it?
Instructor:
Nothing is going to say: We study this because… I won’t usually say that either. All those things ARE why we choose a piece to look at.
Student:
I don’t get it.
Instructor:
Think of the piece as a document. What is it documenting? Is it a change in technique or style? What is new? Innovative? Does that help?
Student:
Yea. I guess I will just have to pay real close attention to what you say about the pieces that all.
Instructor:
Bangs head on desk. Wonders what the fuck she does every day.
One child is easier than two. There is no fighting, no one jacking the other up on secreted pixie stixs, no combined attacks against the lone mommy. One is definitely easier than two.
Especially when that one child is your niece and probably on her best behavior.
An email in my inbox this afternoon:
Colleagues,
If perception is reality, the perception of the college and the college’s attitude toward women has deteriorated over the past few years. The last two years have seen our gender reduced to breasts, makeup, hair, fashion and plastic surgery (please add pole dancing to the list).
This is one of our most widely advertised events. Banners will go up on campus shortly. And for the next few weeks, every student and every passerby will associate this event with our community college. While many of us have talked to each other, we have not taken this conversation to the source.
This afternoon I spoke with ***, Dean of ***. This event is jointly planned with *** and her division. SSM hospital and J.C. Penny are co-sponsors and co-programmers. *** is relatively new to the campus–this is only her second Women’s Fair. And she indicated that no one has spoken to her about any concerns. During the annual reviews of the event, the only discouraging word has been a complaint that we ran out of cinnamon rolls.
She would welcome your emails of concern and suggestions for alternative programming.
If you share my concern that this rather “retro” event narrowly avoids (and I’m being kind here) the insulting of all women, please share your views with *** and *** or both.
Thank you for your time,
***
Chair
My smart colleague is referring to an upcoming Women’s Fair on our campus:
Fall is the perfect time to set a course for self-improvement and self-awareness and to have fun in the process! Women will find the answers to questions on health, family, career, image, fashion, and more at the 2007 Women’s Fair – Fun, Fit, and Fabulous…
For the fourth consecutive year, (Big Department Store) will host the lunchtime fashion show, with styles for all ages and sizes! The $20 VIP tickets also include individual gift bags for all guests as well as automatic entry into a grand prize drawing — a personal beauty basket courtesy of (Big Department Store).
The educational component of the fair gives participants nine mini-seminars to choose from including information on exercise, fitness, breast care, urinary incontinence, and plastic surgery. Other personal improvement and awareness topics include bra fitting and wardrobe, “ups†and “dos†for holiday hair, makeup made easy, and the “spirit of chocolate†to enhance life and lift the spirit.
Gak. I hate so-called Women’s Fairs. I’ve hated this one especially since it’s close to home, on one of my campuses, and it’s as useless as ever this year.
Ladies, a Women’s Fair that offers beauty tips, plastic surgery information, the spirit of chocolate, and “ups” and “dos” for holiday hair (??) is not in your best interest. What about the ACTUAL STUFF that matters to women, as people, as students, as workers, as mothers, as PEOPLE?
Baby Jesus on toast, who thinks of this crap?
However, I’m also happy to see that other people on campus give a shit.
Being civil and nice with my ex husband is starting to seem better on paper than in practice.
Online interviews are weird. But better than phone interviews.
Look, sir. It was a year ago. We are all over it and passed it. You weren’t even marginally involved, I can’t imagine your motive for such stupid words.
I have a lot of paperwork to sort through. Say, maybe on Tuesday.
I found Brett an awesome brand new mattress, box spring, and rails for $75 on Craigslist. Plus a FREE not so new, but great, headboard that fit.
God, I love Craigslist.
Thoroughly enjoying this Smackdown at RYS.
Everyone has one of these 100 Things About Me doohickie. And I’m nothing if not a follower. So, here you go.
1. I was born in Columbus, Mississippi.
2. My dad was in the Air Force at the time. I was there for only 9 months of my life.
3. My mom has sworn I have kept a bit of a southern accent. Let me remind you, I was only there for my first 9 months.
4. My mom called Mississippi the “arm pit” of America. I’m sure it’s lovely, people from Mississippi.
5. My parents then moved to Missouri. Surely, that is not the arm pit of America. What with the progressive thinking and all.
6. I have a younger sister. Her name is Lindy. She is better than your sister. And prettier. By FAR.
7. Well, I have a few sisters. And a brother. Patience, we’ll get there.
8. My parents divorced when I was about ten. I’m sure that was a good thing.
9. A year or two ago, my sister and I realized that my mom was gone for about a year after that. Where the hell she was, I don’t know. I’m hoping she had a good reason, like her sanity.
10. That year, we lived with our dad. We made a lot of room-sized tents and ate a lot of Dinty Moore Beef Stew.
11. Once, I ran to catch the school bus because I was late. Who the fuck does that?
12. Me. I like school.
13. My sister would have done a jig and then went back to her bowl of ice cream soup.
14. I once won a boy’s Huffy bike from McDonald’s when I was a kid.
15. You bet your ass I used it to taunt the neighborhood boys. “Look at my awesome bike!!! No, you can’t ride it. You can watch me ride it. HAHAHAHAHA.”
16. That thing hurt my delicate girlie bits because that bar in the middle? Straight back. I think I lost my hymen to that fucker.
17. It wasn’t the delicate flower of my womanness that skeevy Christian daddies think it was.
18. Pledging your virginity to your father is fucking weird. I highly suggest that a purity ring is also creepy. And will probably enable the getting of an STD.
19. Um, hi. I have strong views on women and sexual education.
20. Because I was a pregnant teen, and because I have not always been treated well by men. Starting in my early teens.
21. And I’ve seen all, not kidding, all of my friends get sexually abused. One way or another, a lack of getting consent – rape, marital rape, date rape, child abuse, or the abuse of sexual power…all of them. Let that sink in a minute.
21. I love men. I married two. I’m RAISING two.
22. I got pregnant in high school.
23. So did my sister.
24. We were, let’s say, under supervised for those years. We lived with our mom, and she liked to par-tay. Our dad saw us every other weekend and was kind of out of the picture with our rearing, mostly. Our stepparents were not good.
25. So, I’m pregnant and 17. Awesome!
26. I wound up a prom queen candidate. Seven months along. And I was a cheerleader.
27. I decided to have the baby. I was going to be able to graduate and my mom said the most helpful thing in the world to me, “Honey, we’ll just fold this baby into our lives.”
28. If you have a pregnant daughter, and she wants to keep the baby – not abort, and not adopt out – say this to her. And mean it. She CAN parent. Young mothers are not necessarily bad mothers.
29. That said, I also strongly believe in good sex education and birth control. If you want to prevent abortions and unplanned pregnancies, this is your way. Not shame, not picketing, you idiots. Prevention.
30. I understand abortion. I do not like it, no one does. NO ONE. But women’s health, mental and physical, deem it necessary. So does our pitiful version of family law in this country. So I also support the access to safe abortion.
31. I’ll be off that soapbox now.
32. So I had a son at 18. His name is Daniel. He’s 13. He’s super wonderful and better than your firstborn son.
33. Hey! I got pregnant nine months after I had him! What’s that you say about birth control?!
34. Brett was born 18 months after Daniel. Wow, hello, tandem breastfeeding. Aren’t you interesting.
35. I married their father when Daniel was 7 months old.
36. We divorced when Brett was 6 months old. Getting married for the kids, super awesome idea.
37. I married again, young, at 22.
38. That marriage just ended this summer. Well, it’s been ending for a while. But the divorce was final this summer.
39. I met him at work.
40. We worked in a casino. First in the restaurants, then as blackjack dealers.
41. That response you have? The one of “ooooh, fun!”? Stuff it back, it was not fun.
42. Years and years of drunk people thinking you are a prick who is stealing their money.
43. Because, people, have you seen Vegas? Casinos, not even riverboat casinos, don’t have to cheat, the games are already built to make you LOSE. Duh.
44. So I was married again. And whoa doggy, were we different. In love, hopelessly, but so very different. Different kinds of families was a biggun.
45. We never figured it out. We tried harder some years, less so others. We had bad times. We had some amazing times.
46. We made it eight years. Nine if you count our last year, but I was moved out for most it.
47. So, I have more siblings. Wanna hear about them?
48. My sister and I have a chosen sister. Her name is Anne.
49. Our moms divorced around the same time. And par-tayed at the same time. Leaving our young asses alone together a lot.
50. We’ve been through some shit together. And some hair styles. Yowza.
51. I also have a step brother and step sister. That’s about all there is to that.
52. During my second marriage, we put each other through college. I’m still proud of both of us.
53. So fuck you naysayers that pregnant teens don’t go to university. Just fuck you. Yes, YES, it’s harder. We know. We are parents, not idiots.
54. I got my BA in Art History. Rocking the marketable degree!
55. I also interned my ass off. Working a crappy midnight blackjack dealing job plus being partnered allowed me to do that.
56. My boys’ father became a police officer. He always wanted to do that. Regardless of our shit, I’m proud of that for him.
57. For a while, I’m a blackjack dealer and he is a cop. So what does Daniel say in kindergarten? “My mommy is a dealer and my daddy shoots people.”
58. We didn’t join the PTA.
59. I interned at art organizations, at history organizations, hell at science organizations. I worked for anyone. I was a intern whore.
60. I went to graduate school. I earned an MA. And interned more.
61. All that interning and fellowshipping? Made my unmarketable self, marketable.
62. I worked for some fabulous museums. I loved it.
63. For those of you thinking of working in fabulous museums, don’t forget that it’s typically a not for profit institution and hella people just like you have that same degree…yeah. Loved the work, though.
64. Now I teach college and university students.
65. I love it. LOVE IT.
66. When I was born the nurses told my mom that I had sloe eyes. She thought they said I was slow. And was pissed.
67. There have been more than a few times where I (and my sister and cousins) have been asked where the Asian is in our bloodline.
68. Dude, if there is, I don’t know. As far as we know, there is French, Welsh, German, with a Gypsy (Roma) great-grandmother thrown in for good measure.
69. My family lies. A lot. We had no idea until we were adults how much they lied. Maybe it’s just that they are storytellers, really.
70. I also have a soul sister. Christine.
71. I have a fondness for pies.
72. But not as much as my fondness for caramel apples. Orgasm.
73. So, I’m dating.
74. I call him NB (New Boyfriend). He’s not all that new I suppose, but we fought this whole boyfriend/girlfriend thing for some time. He’s wonderful. He really is.
75. He also has a fondness for pies. That is not overwhelmed by caramel apples. This is good, since I am not sharing them so much.
76. Would you like me to share all the naughty details about him? Of course you would. No, really, you would. But, no.
77. He has a daughter. And an ex wife. And a late wife. I’ve been married twice. I have two kids. Hello, Baggage! But somehow, this is working so far. Nicely.
78. For the moment, I have pink hair.
79. Well, right now it’s kind of sunset hair. Pink at the roots, fading to pink/orange and then blonde. It’s pretty. It’s just the way it fades. I’ll re-pink it again this week.
80. I love this pink hair thing. Manic Panic, y’all.
81. I tried purple. It turned to gray pretty quickly. Do not want.
82. I study art and sex. Basically.
83. When I study it, that is.
84. I love gender issues, politics and culture, and sex. Hello, sex. I do love you. I do!
85. It’s fascinating to me. And apparently to artists. Thankfully.
86. My classes do learn that pretty quickly.
87. I have a thing for soup or cereal bowls, also. I don’t know, something comforting about a pretty bowl or a sturdy bowl.
88. I love to cook. I really love to bake. I’m baking sweet potato pies tonight. TINY ONES.
89. I love tiny foods. For my sister’s wedding shower, Anne and I made tiny cakes for her.
90. Tiny cakes are delicious. And time consuming.
91. My sister has a daughter.
92. I cannot tell you the joy Ashley brings me. She is such a firecracker.
93. That girl is going to own all of us someday. Your city, your businesses, you.
94. She also now has a son, awesome!
95. I also have a thing for paper. Pretty, crisp, soft, old, new paper. Gimme.
96. If you want to make me happy, touch me. Touch my arm, hug me, pat me, I don’t know, but I’m a sucker for a tender, loving, hot, sweet, friendly touch.
97. Unless I don’t know you. Then, no.
98. I am allergic to cats.
99. I have two cats.
100. Am also genius.
Both NB and I are noticing health issues, unrelated to each other, that are creeping up on us lately.
For me, it’s my asthma.
I’ve never really had much of an issue with it but my mother and sister have been made its bitch a time or two. I didn’t even know I had it until I was pregnant with Daniel and suddenly one night started wheezing like mad.
I had no idea what it was.
My mom did.
I went to the OB, got a baby-safe inhaler, and was fine. I rarely needed to use any inhaled medication during my pregnancies and even more rarely after I had the kids.
Rarely as in, once or twice a YEAR.
The past few years that has gone up to maybe three or four times a year. This year? With the high allergen counts and two (unhappily bathed) cats in the house?
Holy mother.
I’ve used my inhaler every day for the past week, except for the when I was in Memphis…where I was magically fine. Damn St. Louis, #5 in the top worst cities for allergy sufferers. I have never had a severe attack, my asthma is clearly triggered by allergens, and I have been able to control it. But I don’t like the increasing need to do so.
This means my asthma is a real thing. I really hate having to deal with that.
What are those giant white rectangles in the fields around here?
I don’t know, it looks…fluffy.
Like a big mattress.
Yes, like you could make stuff out of it, like shirts or soft things.
There’s more of it sitting in the fields. On plants.
What is it?
(it took much longer to figure out than it should have for two adults: COTTON.)
From REDBOOK (noticed when reading Julia’s entry):
If you really aren’t in the mood for sex, be gentle with how you say so. Offer him a rain check in the form of a cute coupon.
