On the Whole Living Alone Thing
It sucks.
I hate living without a partner.
I realize that so much of this is because I DID live with a partner for my entire adult life. Except that one time.
When the boys’ daddy and I divorced a thousand years ago, I was so happy to be free of him and his Nintendo playing non-diapering the babies ass that I reveled in it. I nursed our baby alone watching ANYTHING I WANTED on tv. I let the toys pile up in the living room until I felt like dragging them up the stairs of our townhouse to the kids’ room. I had leftover kids’ dinners for my dinner a lot of the time and just enjoyed being a single mama because the weight of living with that man was too heavy.
He’s not a bad man. He just wasn’t my man…well, he was nobody’s man since he still had at least five years more growing up to do. And hmm, he was also everybody’s man since he sure did like to sleep with the ladies. Did I ever tell about you about that one time he moved his girlfriend in our house when I was 8 months pregnant with Brett? It’s a good one.
So when he finally moved in with his sister, I didn’t worry about being alone. I was like, oh my god, the house is cleaner and I suddenly have more money despite the loss of an entire income.
This is different.
I loved being married to Mike, for the most part. Obviously, things weren’t all that they seemed because we aren’t married now. But I did like partnered living. I liked having a spouse. I liked living with someone. It’s hard to get used to now, even after nearly a year of not living with him full time. It’s weird to even type that.
I think our different upbringings forced their way into our marriage and broke it apart. We were raised wildly differently, with two sets of problems that never could figure out how to handle each other.
And here we both are. Living alone for the first time in a long time. Having the kids here helps. I would sleep in their beds if I didn’t think THAT would scar them even more. Scoot over, Junior, Mama needs a good cry! Mind if I bring these Twinkies in here?
NB is awesome. So freaking awesome. But he doesn’t live here. Nor will he, because my boys have no need for another daddy type. And his daughter doesn’t need another mommy type, having lost her stepmom, NB’s wife, three years ago to breast cancer. He gets being alone more than I ever ever EVER will comprehend. And yet, neither of us want to live together at this point. If we ever will, I don’t know. See where this thing goes first, I imagine.
I do know that on lonely nights, it’s awful. And on nights I spend not alone, much better. So much better.
But I need to do better than that. I need to get better on my own two feet and learn how to embrace this situation for fuck’s sake. Embrace that there is no one here to tell me to pick up my socks off the living room floor and stop eating those damn chocolate covered raspberries and for the love of Athena quit being so damn argumentative with the television.
Posted by Melissa on August 27th, 2007 under Boyfriendlies, Married Once, Twice, Whatever
August 28th, 2007 at 7:31 am
You are a strong woman and you already have it figured out. It’s still new and it’s OK. Everything is just the way it should be right now. This is where your path has taken you and it’s OK. It’s OK. Don’t be uncomfortable with it. Embrace it.It’s OK. I love you!
August 28th, 2007 at 10:31 am
I HEART Lindy.
Don’t fight it so hard. This too shall pass. It’s a process, and you have to work through it.
Hm, can I get another cliche in there?
I know it sounds corny, but it’s true.
August 28th, 2007 at 11:30 am
I know I don’t comment often (even though I love your hair!) but I wanted to say I get it. I moved here for my husband and, not knowing another soul not associated with him or his friends and family, we moved straight in together from a 2 year long distance relationship. Talk about a shock to the way we felt about each other. That year living together was hard. Like you, we both grew up in different mindsets and meshing them made for a difficult time. So we agreed to live apart while still being a couple. He moved back home and I got my own place with the help of my parents, since I was still in college and couldn’t afford my own place on part time work. We lived apart for two years. There were some seriously lonely nights, including a three month stint where we weren’t even dating anymore. All I had was my dog for company and man, there were times when it was pathetic.
When we moved back in together, we’d both grown up a lot, and many of the issues we’d had simply disappeared with a little maturity. I will forever miss having my own uncluttered and a little bit girly bathroom and being able to watch whatever I wanted on TV, which usually consisted of chick flicks or The Learning Channel. But I won’t miss having too big a bed for me and my little puppy, or only one set of clothes in the closet.
Parts of living single are awesome. Other parts, not so much. But you’re a tough cookie with a soft center (the good kind!) and the best healing often comes without you even knowing it, in such small increments that you don’t know when you’re getting better until you’re well on your way. Then, someday, you’ll be happy for the alone time that allowed you the space you needed. All the same, I’m happy you found someone with whom you could spend some time. You deserve that, too!
August 29th, 2007 at 12:32 pm
Look for the bits of living alone that are good — that’s my advice. Like not having to deal with all his issues! (Cancel my subscription! I’m tired of your issues!) And you can eat what you want, because he’s not there! And his socks aren’t always on the floor! And no more piss around the toilet all the time! (Oh, wait. These are *my* issues….) Well, I’m sure you have your list.
August 29th, 2007 at 10:18 pm
Here is my unasked for Assvice: I think you should start inviting some friends over to your house for dinner and board games, or dinner and chick flicks your sons will hate, or dinner and drinking, or something, once a week. Fill up the emptiness in your new house with some friends, and laughter, and new memories. Of course it helps to have the boys there with you, but of course, as you pointed out, you can’t come to them for a shoulder to lean on.
I hope things keep getting better and better for you.
August 30th, 2007 at 3:25 pm
Hey lady…
The comments you’ve gotten on this post are great. I can’t really add much. So I’ll just send you virtual hugs. And lots of virtual booze your way too.
February 11th, 2008 at 11:38 am
[…] No, he’s not cheating. He is, however, a widower. That is a hurt I cannot fathom. A loss I have no way to understand. I don’t try, I am sympathetic and saddened at such a terrible loss, but I can’t pretend to know what he’s gone through. Not during her illness, not through her loss, and not having to learn life after. There is so much that goes into something like that, I will never ever be able to understand the tiniest fraction. […]