There’s No El Dorado In There
You guys are delicious, quite possibly tasting of chocolate and cream. Thank you for ignoring my COMMENTS CLOSED decision and emailing my sick ass anyway.
When I make posts such as the last one, they are really for me. This place was supposed to be my venting ground, my therapy. Sometimes, I just need to do that. Say my bit, my feelings in that precise moment. I do not expect anyone to do shit with it and I do not expect anyone to agree with how I feel right then either. I just have to write it so it stops repeating in my head. Which, does no good for me or anyone because inside the spaces of my brain it just grows bigger and badder and eventually takes over my gray matter, conquistador style. There are quite possibly flags claiming bits for insanity and flags claiming other bits for liquor consumption.
I am dealing with my marriage in the best way I can. From the outside, from people who I know love me, I’m hearing repeatedly that I’m doing it in unhealthy ways. And wellll, you know, maybe. Because I’m human. And this is HARD. I don’t know the best path yet, I am taking steps I need but they are steps. I can’t get from Point A to a linear Point B quite as fast as maybe another person but I’m doing what I can each day.
I’ve also been trying not to lose me in the process. In fact, I’ve found more of me than I ever expected in really really REALLY unexpected ways. But those things are not seen from outside my brain; people see me, they see me in what looks like sheer floundering. And a lot of times I totally am. But not always. I don’t always share and not many are asking me directly about it. It’s a depressing topic.
There are little kids involved. There are families. There are friends and loved ones but there is also this man and me dealing with it the best we are able. We’ve been dealing with our own shit for over a year, and people knew that, but they probably didn’t realize the depth of the problems because I don’t share all the time. I maybe need to share more but I have no idea if that’s better.
Knowing I am having big ugly problems are one thing but being confronted with the reality of it are quite another thing and it’s not easy for anyone. It’s hard to realize the people you love are sadly, only human.
Posted by Melissa on November 30th, 2006 under Married Once, Twice, Whatever, Melancholia
November 30th, 2006 at 12:51 pm
But so are you, dear. Not quite the all-powerful goddess after all, just a human who is not a character in a novel and who doesn’t ever know what will happen ’til she goes through it, and who makes her choices and pays her prices just like everyone else.
And just like everyone else, still worthy of love.
November 30th, 2006 at 12:59 pm
I try never to comment on other’s marriages (short of black eyes and broken arms) because a marriage is so personal and organic and ever changing… no one can have a clue about how the dynamics between two people work.
Relationships, with our spouses, our friends and extended familly can be draining and frustrating… especially this time of year… probably because we are being slammed upside the head by images that tell us we ought to BE HAPPY and LOVE EVERYONE and GOODWILL.
I am new to your blog, so I don’t have the backstory, but I love how you right and your feelings come right through your words…
But, if reading you makes me gain weight, I am outta here. ;-)
November 30th, 2006 at 1:23 pm
Oh, Melissa. I completely (big surprise!) agree with Sara. You are only human. Don’t be so hard on yourself and you know what??? It is completely your choice on what you share with people and anyone with any class would not be making judgments on you in any way. Or at least voicing them. I truly believe that we do what we need to do to survive and if whatever you are doing gets you through, well, then that’s what -you- need right now.
On a positive note- I’ve always wanted to tell you that when I met you your smile completely warmed me for like a week straight. And your hug? You’re one of the best huggers ever. My first impression from those two things was that whatever you were, you were authentic. Authentic is always best- flaws, screw-ups, challenges and all.
Don’t let these drive-by comments from friends or relatives change that about you.
November 30th, 2006 at 1:25 pm
If I’ve learned one lesson in my time as a wife and mother it’s this: I’ve never walked in another mothers shoes.
I don’t judge you and you have gobs of support coming from Cali, lady. I’m a million percent sure you are doing some unhealthy and dysfunctional things now……because we probably ALL would, put in that situation. It’s part of the process. It’s part of your journey. Get it all out, I say, so there is nothing but health and functionality left. If you keep the dysfunction in, you keep it. Not good.
xo
November 30th, 2006 at 3:09 pm
I’m glad I’m not the only one who ignored your “No Comments” sign. Sometimes when you don’t want to hear it is exactly when you need to hear it. It’s easier to be rejected if you think there’s something wrong with you. But if you’re PERFECT???? Okay, nobody is, but you are a lovely person - a perfectly lovely, human person.
You don’t have to share with anyone if you don’t want to. This is strictly between you and Mike and the kids.
We’re just here to be your cheering section!
November 30th, 2006 at 3:25 pm
you are so utterly so cool.
you wanna go have hot cocoa sometime and throw things at men from the roof of a building - it could be fun!
seriously,
I’ve been lurking cause my own world has been topsy turvy and i’ve been in no place to give advice but - I want you to know that I loves ya kid! and if ever you just want somebody who doesn’t really know to treat you like the super star you are I’m up for it!
December 1st, 2006 at 2:04 pm
You can’t keep us away from you. LOVVVVEEEEEEE the Harpy.
December 1st, 2006 at 8:03 pm
I admire how you’re dealing with your situation head on. You’re not making any excuses, it seems from what you’ve said here. You’re taking action and doing the things that you have to do. Who are we (or anyone not right square in your shoes) to presume we know what you need? I just want to give you a giant hug dot com. And maybe throw something from a roof with you and Queue.
December 2nd, 2006 at 5:52 pm
Everyone has said all of the things I was thinking and feeling as I read this post. Especially Stephanie’s and Cyndi’s… So… Ditto babe!
December 10th, 2006 at 2:22 pm
Fuck the naysayers. You are probably better off without said people, anyway. Unless they are family or something, but still…..
Seriously, if someone is so weak-minded and weak-willed as to not be able to make the right decisions for themselves, regardless of influence (intended or not) then they really don’t deserve the title of adult, now do they?
I’m not sure how I got here, but just felt I should comment.
Greetings from another sometimes frazzled wife and mom, who is indeed a poisonous person at times as well.