Truthiness Sucks
There has been twittering around town about my martial problems and this blog. Okay, so the twittering is basically coming from inside my house, from my spouse, but whatever.
I feel pressured to tell you all, I am probably not worthy of the kindness you have shown me.
I am a bad wife. My marital problems can be laid at the feet of both of us and a need for privacy dictates why the entire story will not be on the business end of the “Publish” button. Yet the reason as to why our problems are being discussed right now is squarely my fault. Yes, I suck. There’s your truthiness for the day, as much as I can give in this very public forum.
But.
But. But.
But this is MY motherfucking blog and I’m telling my side, my feelings, my end of things. As much as my marriage sucking right now is my fault, it doesn’t mean I can’t be upset about it. It doesn’t mean I am not human.
If a less-Melissa-sympathetic stance is needed, go HERE.
Posted by Melissa on October 20th, 2006 under Married Once, Twice, Whatever, Melancholia
October 20th, 2006 at 1:09 pm
Melissa, even if you believe this is all your fault, it doesn’t make the fact that you are hurting, or that your family is hurting, any less tangible. I don’t necessarily want to impart pity on you, but empathy to someone who’s heart is broken.
October 20th, 2006 at 1:26 pm
no posts on that shadow site, nor do i anticipate any. your feelings are your feeling, melissa - and you are entitled to have them. i’m so sorry for your pain - don’t be hard on yourself, cos it sounds as if life is tough enough already.
October 20th, 2006 at 2:00 pm
Oh, Melissa. Don’t be so terribly hard on yourself. A good friend would not leave you in the cold, even if you did make a mistake. We all fuck up sometimes, it’s what embodies the human condition, right?
Plus, it always takes two to tango. Not knowing the situation it is hard to say, but maybe there was something deeper happening that caused you to do whatever you did.
Chin up and take good care.
October 20th, 2006 at 2:21 pm
Yes, there are two sides to every story. Sometimes there’s even four or five… So with that said, its difficult to say one person is completely right or wrong.
If your hubby is reading your blog, I want to tell him this: Melissa has said alot of very wonderful things about you in her blog and when we got together in person. She’s made it clear that she has an enormous amount of respect and admiration for you. It was evident by the light in her eyes that she loves you very much. And no one thinks you are a jerk just because you guys are having problems. No one thinks she’s a jerk either. Most people in a marriage know that when a couple isn’t getting along its no one’s
fault in particular. Most people know what the daily (and not so daily) stresses of life do to a marriage.
I hope you guys can find that spark and get the love back again soon. Am thinking of you both ALOT.
October 20th, 2006 at 6:24 pm
what the fuck is that!!!!!!!!?????????
*jaw drop*
Melissa, I think most of us are big boys and girls and we know what you’re saying. I for one, have been there done that and when I read your words, I read them as a wife/mother/woman who’s hurting, not blaming or pandering or anything. We all know there are two sides to the story, only someone with a serious chip or a serious immaturity problem wouldn’t see that.
Come over and I’ll bake you some cookies and have a cold beer waiting.
*hug*
October 20th, 2006 at 7:03 pm
I reallyreallyreally canNOT believe that you are any more at fault than he is.
Relationships are made with two people. And unless there was a pretty spectacular fuckup on your part, like, say, blowing up his car and setting fire to his gonads, it means he is equally responsible for the current state of affairs.
At any rate. I don’t know Mike. I bet he’s awesome. I bet he’s 32 flavas and then some. (If he doesn’t realize how amazing you are and begin the healing process pretty soon, though, I will have to start calling him bad names. [not really.]) But I KNOW for a fact that you are an amazing woman, a fabulous person, and a loving heart.
Don’t even try to call yourself a pity-seeker. And here’s a big hearty “go take a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut” to anyone who said it to you. Sometimes you need to vent, and sometimes you need a friend, and sometimes you need a friend to say “Stop beating yourself up or I will beat you up.” That is our job, we invisible Internet friends. Although I can’t really beat you up over the Internet, I can TOTALLY send you “KNOCK IT OFF, MELISSA” e-mails. And I will if you keep saying bad things about yourself. So there. The end.
October 20th, 2006 at 9:40 pm
Well… that was weird. Is this what you do when you have a broken heart and an internet connection? I’ve never had both at the same time, so I don’t really know.
Oh, girl. You are having a seriously tough time, aren’t you? It’s not shiny brilliance, but I really hope you and Mike can let go of your anger and get back to loving each other - in person! Sometimes that’s a hard thing to do, but when it happens, it is really, really awesome.
October 23rd, 2006 at 9:02 am
Yeah, what everybody else said. Oh, and one more thing: It really doesn’t matter who “started” it. You both have to fix it, if it’s going to get fixed. Yeah, you heard me. Both. It is your job, both of you, your task and your responsibility, both of you. You both made this commitment, to each other — and to those boys. One person fucking up should not be enough to fracture the genuine commitment of two adults to something bigger than either of them alone.
Sometimes people do fuck up. Afterward, it is the job of every person in the relationship to work together to repair the damage. That’s what committing to a person “for better or worse” means.
Little tip for both of you? Posturing and name-calling are not constructive. Define the problem and negotiate a solution, and don’t waste any time. It is amazingly easy to get sucked into a habit of righteous isolation. Fight that current with everything you’ve got.
Don’t you love free advice from people who don’t really know you? Yeah, I know. Shutting up now.
October 23rd, 2006 at 12:09 pm
Eek! M - I’m a fairly new reader of your blog, so feel free to ignore my comment, but flogging yourself with that website probably isn’t going to help. I’d imagine you’ve been mentally flogging yourself for awhile now. I hope things start looking better for you soon though.
October 23rd, 2006 at 12:22 pm
Unless you’re sleeping with his best friend, (your NOT right??) Don’t be so hard on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has their own little idiosyncrisies that make other people crazy. Try to forgive yourself first.
October 23rd, 2006 at 4:55 pm
Um, you don’t force any of us to come here and read. We do because we like to. But this is YOUR space, so you are allowed to feel however you feel and choose what you write about and what you don’t. Usually, when a marriage is in trouble, it’s much more complicated than he said/she said, and usually the fault of both people. NOT JUST YOURS.
You’re totally allowed to hurt, which means you still care. YOU STILL CARE. If it’s Mike’s twitterings that are making you feel like you should be on the business end of a scourge, does he know you also said when you were moving that you’d miss him? Does he know all the hurtiness you’ve put out here is because you still love him? Does he know how much you want this worked out?
I can’t speak for everyone, but I, as a reader of your site, only hope the best for your marriage, and don’t think badly of EITHER of you. I just hope you are both able to get through this and become stronger because of it.
I hope I didn’t step on any toes by sayin so.
October 23rd, 2006 at 6:39 pm
I’m late to the party, I realize, but I have to say: *nothing* in a marriage is ever exclusively ONE person’s fault, Melissa.
No-thang. Nuttin’. NADA.
And you’re entitled to tell your story. Do I really have to pull out the Cixous? (Please don’t make me. My house is a disaster and I don’t know where it is.)
October 23rd, 2006 at 8:10 pm
Yes, you are totally allowed to hurt. Then, get past it with your spouse. The name-calling doesn’t help, I’m sure. To help your marriage along, I’d recommend a great book, Heirs Together by Patricia Gundry. Another one is Woman Be Free, also by Patricia Gundry. It’s available at cbeinternational.org. I’m a Christian feminist.
November 8th, 2006 at 2:52 pm
I am a bad wife.
From the horse’s mouth herself, fellas. Guess that’s what your hubby gets for marrying a modern American woman. He shoulda known better…
November 9th, 2006 at 3:03 pm
Uh, Bev? I’m sorry, when I said I was “bad wife” I didn’t mean that literally I was a wife who had disobeyed her husband.
And “horse’s mouth herself”? Please tell me you are running a joke blog over there, because someone is in desperate need of a reality check and help finding the door out of mommy’s house.