How NOT to Be an Asshole Sister-in-Law?
As much as I “worry” about having another baby, my sister-in-law is beginning in her infertility journey.
She’s only 22, in good health and a nurse. When she went in for a consultation with her OB about beginning to try to conceive, she was met with bad news. She may have a very hard time getting pregnant.
First, since her earliest periods she has had month-long heavy periods. Her first OB put her on birth control pills and told her she was fine. She was not fine. Since going off her pills to try to get pregnant, her horrible periods have come back. She changed OBs and this one is worried about a long case of endometriosis. Testing to come this week.
Second, her thyroid is causing problems. I don’t understand all the issues, but it has been another thing to solve before conceiving.
Third, she is already being sent to a fertility specialist. She feels it’s too soon to hit the fertility clinic; she’s only been considering getting pregnant since this past December. It makes her think her doctors are effectively putting a cap in an easy fertile path.
She and her husband are facing a lot of questions, a lot of doctors, and a growing desperation for an easy conception, pregnancy, and live birth.
I want to be there for her. But how?
I had two kids by 20. Our other sister-in-law had two at the same age I did and then in her thirties got pregnant the very week they started trying.
We are not walking the same road with her but we love her and want to be there for her.
Her own family believes that if they can’t get pregnant, then it’s God’s will. In her heart and as a medical professional, she doesn’t believe that but it’s very hard for her to even think that they may not be easily fertile.
I am open to all advice. I know some basic how-not-tos from reading several infertility blogs but I’m asking directly.
Especially by those of you who have dealt with infertility in any way, I am open to hearing how to not be an asshole, how to help, what to never say, and how to be a good friend and sister to her and her husband in this trying time. Help?
Posted by Melissa on March 22nd, 2006 under Melancholia, Spawn
March 23rd, 2006 at 8:44 am
I hate how our society has scared nearly all women into the “your biological clock is ticking, don’t miss out” mentality. Women’s health, especially reproductive health, remains a mystery to an extent in Western medicine. Often what a doctor says is not possible still happens somewhere down the line. The fact of the matter is that your sis has not been trying that long. She ought not to count out the possibility of pregnancy by natural means just yet. There are a lot of variables in this situation, and docs cannot know them all. Gently remind your sis that what the docs say now is not the final verdict, and that people, though they may be related, still are VASTLY different biologically. I’ve been told that I will not be able to have children, but does that keep me from using birth control? Nope. Things change. The best we can do is be as educated as possible. We are our own best advocates. Get the whole picture first with the endometriosis tests, then go from there.
March 23rd, 2006 at 11:15 am
She might want to get her Thyroid stuff undercontrol first. If she’s hypothyroid, it can prevent her from ovulating. If she’s hyper, there’s other problems.
The thyroid problem can play a BIG part in her very heavy periods. (Alot of doctors don’t understand thyroid issues so she needs to see an Endocrinologist)She needs to get that thyroid checked first. Because if your levels are out of wack - either hypo or hyper you can’t carry a baby anyway. (I have a thyroid condition. And I’m pretty sure that my doctor’s neglect — he wouldn’t test my thyroid — resulted in my first miscarriage.
Other than that. I don’t know…. I guess the only advice that I don’t like hearing (we’ve been trying awhile now too) is people complaining about how fast they got pregnant. I bristle when women complain about being pregnant and when they say it was an “accident” but it turns out they were lazy about birth control or did the rhythm method.
I guess just listen to her, ask how she is, make yourself available if she ever needs to talk and listen.
March 23rd, 2006 at 2:30 pm
To be a good friend, all you need to do is BE THERE for her. Offer her your friendship, a shoulder (should she need one) and a patient ear.
After the miscarriage, I started reading all the IF blogs and I’m probably going to piss a couple people off, but I stopped reading them because a lot of them are so bitter and angry, that it kind of hurts me to read their pain. I was feeling guilty because I was able to get pregnant again and so far, so good.
Your SIL should get whatever tests her OB/GYN suggests and follow through on his/her suggestions.
All that is required of you is to be yourself and be her friend.
March 23rd, 2006 at 4:30 pm
i’m sorry that her family thinks that it’s “god’s will” that she not have children if she can’t get pregnant.
as an “orthodox” christian, i’d say that that is a useless thing to say. i realize that you’re *not* a christian, but…a better (and more historically christian) thing to say would be exactly what you’re saying here: “We are not walking the same road with her but we love her and want to be there for her.”
Telling her that, i’d think, would be a good thing…and maybe telling her that another christian disagrees with her family: you’ve got no idea what god’s doing…wish you did; it would make my life a lot easier, but you don’t, so stop being a fatalist. (the you, there, is directed toward her family, not you, ms. sugaredharpy)
March 23rd, 2006 at 4:45 pm
incidentally, having gone through what i’d certainly consider a ‘tragedy’ (and a miscarriage would fall into that category also), it gets tough/tiring to hear people say “if you ever want to talk, i’m here”….
…well…i appreciate the sentiment, i guess, but EVERYONE says that, and everyone walks all awkward around me, because they’re worried about upsetting me…so i end up living in this freakish half-life, harldy talking to ANYONE, because nobody wants to upset me, but everyone’s “there if i want to talk”.
do with that what you will…there’s not any subsequent application that i can give as a result of feeling that…
…another thing…she’s probably going to be thinking about that for WAY longer than anyone else does…so if she looks upset, it very likely IS about the miscarriage, and i’d think that asking “were you thinking about anything in particular?” would be appropriate…heck; even asking: “do you think about the miscarriage a lot? does it sneak up on you, or is it slow-burning thing? does it feel like you’re alone, because everyone else has ‘moved on’ about it, and you haven’t?”
….just thoughts, man, just thoughts.
March 23rd, 2006 at 9:03 pm
Thank you, everyone.
Theresa, I agree it sucks that women’s health is this whole thing wrapped up in culture and not in science.
March 24th, 2006 at 4:01 pm
I seriously think that your post on this is a step in the right direction. One of my closest friends struggled for over 4 years to get pregnant. At the start of her struggles I had no plans of having a baby, and I think it made our friendship easier. My husband and I decided to start trying and conceived the first month. Telling my friend was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. She really resented me. At first I was upset, but then I realized that I just had to let her resent me. After all, it wasn’t really me she hated, it was the fact that it was not as easy for her.
Luckily, after her 3rd round of in vitro, she got pregnant with twins! She delivered them in January prematurely, but they are doing well now.
So, after all of that, I think that listening and showing that yeah, you don’t know what she’s going through is a good start. I am sure she would appreciate knowing you cared enough to blog about her.
May 10th, 2006 at 9:05 pm
[…] In other news, my sister-in-law is still not pregnant. She’s two weeks late, full of symptoms, and her bloodwork is still negative. Her earlier testing-bloodwork is mostly inconclusive. Doctors cite PCOS first and a myriad of issues second. She has no concrete reason why she hasn’t gotten pregnant. Her fertility specialist has sent her back to her regular OB. […]
June 1st, 2006 at 8:18 am
[…] My infertile sister-in-law? The one who has been fighting her body and doctors and then insurance companies? The one who has just been told by her insurance company that even the thought further testing is out of the question until she’s been off the pill for at least a year, never mind that the pill has been used in her treatments and they are totally counting that? This one? In other news, my sister-in-law is still not pregnant. She’s two weeks late, full of symptoms, and her bloodwork is still negative. Her earlier testing-bloodwork is mostly inconclusive. Doctors cite PCOS first and a myriad of issues second. She has no concrete reason why she hasn’t gotten pregnant. Her fertility specialist has sent her back to her regular OB. […]