Sugared Harpy

So, I can do this thing. Really well. I mean, it has caused me to get free alcohol. Yes, I can do it that well.

Ask me seesters.

It may be weird to some of you, but it’s kinda cool.

If you uh, want to see what I can do and stuff…Check it out.

Dear reader who found my site whilst googling, “I want to get pregnant before 18,”

No, you don’t.

Really, no.

Fucking stop hanging out with that creepy older guy who just leers at your tits because, dude, if that asshat knocks you up you have to deal with him FOREVER.

Did you hear me?

Forever.

You will have to watch as he dates, knocks up, and marries women who look like you did at 15. You will have to talk to him every other weekend so he can tell you about the latest dumbass decision. You will have to fight with him about how he allows your child to watch horror movies at age 5. He will call you at 4 am to tell you he still loves you. You will have to hear him hit on you, pathetically. You will have to argue about child support. Most importantly, you will have to watch him drag your starving, filthy, exhausted children back home on Sundays so you can feed them their weight in good food, bathe them thoroughly, and put them to bed at 5:00 pm.

This is when things go well.

When things don’t turn out so great, you will deal with the horrors related to an absent father, absent child support, possible abuse, poverty, and kids who have to handle this life without understanding why it happened.

You do not want to be a teen mom. Go to college first. Find your passion first.

Even if you do not pursue a career, you have educated yourself to be a critical thinker. This will help you be a more able, more prepared mama. If you find your passion before kids, you are a much more interesting, cooler mom. You need to be able to pay for housing, food, bills, clothing, and all the other things involved with being a real adult with a dependent. This, this is hard.

This does not mean it’s impossible to do it otherwise, I did it. Christine and Lindy are doing it. We love our kids tremendously. But we can all agree that it would have much, much, much easier if we had not been young moms.

Don’t you want to give them your best?

Make it happen. Wait. Make yourself the most important thing in your life right now. Birth control is your friend.

Sincerely,
Melissa

You must all go click on the link to LUSH. Right there in my sidebar.

Because when you order from this site, you get a free sex bomb.

Which, omygod, is to die for. Sex bomb is a bath bomb that is:

scented with the ‘come hither’ fragrance of jasmine and ylang ylang. Soak yourself in its pink, scented waters before a promising night out.

Lush has so many wonderful hand-made things, cruelty-free, from bath bombs to soap to skin care thingies. So fabulous.

They make the best things with THE best names.

Here are some names for their bath bomb: Bollywood, Waving not Drowning, Honey Bee, and Letters to Santa.

Buttercreams (yes, buttercreams) have names like Emperor of Ice Cream and Skinny Dip.

Soaps have the names Demon in the Dark, Snowcake, Rock Star, and Honey I Washed the Kids.

There’s also a massage bar called You Snap the Whip, and a Shower Jelly called Spank Me with Saplings.

Yes, I’m shamelessly promoting my linkypoo but I was so excited to see their name I had to tell you about it.

Go, I know you all need a free Sex Bomb. I do.

South Dakota’s Senate passed a bill that bans most abortions in a 23 to 13 vote.

The bill next goes to the anti-abortion governor.

There are no exceptions for rape or even if the health of the pregnant woman is threatened. Some tried to include those provisions but they were shut down.

Said by Rev. Patrick Mahoney, Director of the Christian Defense Coalition:

“We will do everything in our power to network with the pro-life, pro-family organizations across the nation to make available to the state of South Dakota every resource to fight this expected litigation. We are literally seeing the foundations of Roe v. Wade crumble.”

The message is clear.

Women are not important.

According to the beliefs behind this bill, a woman could be brutally raped but her function as an incubator is more important than her health, mental stability, or her future.

According to the beliefs behind this bill, a woman could suffer extreme complications during a pregnancy but her function as an incubator is more important than the health problems that may ravage her heart or leave her brain damaged for life. Because, you know, she didn’t actually die so she’s pretty much okay.

I’m appalled that the people in this country feel so little for their mothers, sisters, daughters, and friends. I’m appalled that I mean so little to you because I have a uterus. This is belittling and humiliating. This is degradation at its most base level.

This is abuse.

I suggest all of you write to South Dakota’s governor and then to your own governors and let them know that you are horrified that your life counts for so little.

I had this conversation with my son yesterday.

Me: Did you talk to your new girlfriend today?

Daniel: No. We don’t talk at school. I have to get her phone number and call her in private. Then, no one can see us talk and make fun of us for being together.

Me: Okay. Well, that stinks. But, how did she get to be your girlfriend?

Daniel: I put a secret note in her Valentine!

Me: That’s very sweet, honey.

Daniel: blushes

Daniel: I’m supposed to get her phone number from her friend Megan tomorrow.

Me: Well, then you can talk and get to know each other.

Daniel: I already know we’re perfect for each other.

Me: Oh?

Daniel: Neither one of us care about if people are gay or not gay or somewhere in the middle.

Me: Oh? But you can’t talk at school, right?

Daniel: Yeah, but these other kids were calling a boy “gay” and saying he had a boyfriend like it was a bad thing and I started to jump up to help the kid, because you know they don’t know what they are talking about, but she got there first. Mom, it was like I was talking! She’s perfect, perfect for me.

I just love that boy.

They have a birthday and turn 30.

Dear reader who found my site whilst googling, “elf porn,”

Elf. Porn?

What?

Really? Allrighty.

Are you looking for hot elf dentist on elf dentist action?

Or perhaps you are in the need of a little Legolas? And really, who isn’t.

But, I’m betting you are another sicko pornbag who likes really bad drawings of something slightly resembling elfy/peoply nudies.

Which, my God you need to get out.

Sincerely,
Melissa

If anyone is wondering why I’m not speaking much on this it’s because I’m not planning on jepoardizing my job.

But, I will say this:

1) I’ve actually read all our files on it.
2) The accusers haven’t.
3) We contacted everyone who could possibly verify it wasn’t stolen before it was bought, including Interpol, IFAR, and the director of the Cairo Museum (it took several months and eventually a hand-carried letter to finally receive a reply) who all told us to go for it.
4) There was an exhibition after the excavation was done, minus this object, that shows they didn’t have it then and in ‘52 it was already openly and legally on the Belgian art market.
5) The original accuser guy is a former art criminal who likes to sensationalize these things for web hits.
6) Dr. ZH, King of the Discovery Channel, sent his letter to us and to the media on the same day. He’s known we’ve had it for over ten years and didn’t mind until right now, after the media shined it’s pretty light on him.
7) It might have been acquired during the slick and queasy time of pro-European excavation policies, but it seems to have been done legally.
8) If there is evidence otherwise, then that’s a different story but so far, nothing has even been put forward.

That’s it. Now, I’m shushing.

Just in case I haven’t blabbed it to you in person yet, mama’s in February’s Parentland.

Next to other very cool people.

Steve at Parentland has this to say about the magazine:

Parentland is the first of its kind (as far as we know). We got tired of casserole recipes, stupid craft ideas, and “so-called” experts telling us how to parent our children. The idea is that if you actually have a grassroots publication that has personality and a sense of humor that talks to parents as people, they might actually enjoy reading a parenting publication for a change. That’s what we are about. A lifestyle publication for adults who happen to have children – not a parenting magazine that reminds you of all the ways you are wrong.

Subscribe so you can read the rest of this: “But they also told the kids to ‘put on their listening ears’ which I found to be a little creepy and fascist,”

Yes, it’s that awesome. I imagine next month will be just as great. Go, subscribe, people.