The Husband and I Have Finally Brought Home a Boyfriend
Friends, I have a new boyfriend. His name is James Dyson. I love him. Mike loves him. In fact, he just finished making love to him a few minutes ago. So, I suppose WE have a new boyfriend.
Seriously, our new Dyson has already changed our life. In the few short hours we’ve had it home, we’ve oooohed and aaaahhhhed in a big sloppy mess all over it. It’s gorgeous. It’s actually been displayed in ART MUSEUMS. How can I not love it? We even vacuumed our cat hair filled basement and stairs with amazing results. One pass, people, one pass. Tracked litter and cat hair embed into the old horrible orange and brown tiny-pile carpet we have down there. Our normal vacuums (which are not cheap models and which we eat for lunch every six months to a year) require numerous passes over and over the same spot to pick up that embedded material with still disappointing results.
The Dyson? It took one pass. One pass, at worst a push and a pull back, to pick up everything that ever thought of touching the carpet. The end result was a carpet a wholly other shade of orange and brown as a result of this deep cleaning. Mike immediately called me over and then we engaged the Dyson in a terribly dirty threesome (attachments, you know).
Then, we did it on the concrete basement. Fucking bliss.
Our new boyfriend, which is what I’m calling the thing from now on: Boyfriend, is a thing of beauty. We even bought the cheapest model, on sale. Sears carried all the of the Dyson models and I bugged all the salespeople in a 300 feet radius about them. I couldn’t really see the difference between them. Turns out, the only difference is the attachments. The higher the price (low end: $350, high end: $599), the more attachments. One woman I talked to said she bought the low end model, the DCO7 and has never needed or wanted any of the other attachments. Ever. We bought the DC07 and it comes with plenty of attachments. And a 37 foot cord. And a 17 foot quick-draw hose. And a dirt catcher bin thingy that opens by a button up top so you never, ever have to touch or breathe in the dust. And a lifetime filter you wash every six months and never replace. And a two-year warranty. And an approval by the British Allery Society. It’s fabulous. I heart it.
Most of my threesomes are with Dictionary.com and WordReference.com. I’m happy to include the husband on this one with the pretty silver and yellow wonder of the ever loving universe.
Posted by Melissa on November 16th, 2005 under Bliss, Married Once, Twice, Whatever10 Responses to “The Husband and I Have Finally Brought Home a Boyfriend”
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November 17th, 2005 at 10:01 am
Not fair! I really want one of those. Does your new boyfriend like other gals as well. I may have to take it on a date to my living room!
November 17th, 2005 at 10:39 am
ooooh, I want one of those too! I just can’t make myself pay 400 bucks for a vacuum. I guess if it lasts for at least 4 years, I will have justified the purchase, since I generally buy a new machine every year or so…
November 17th, 2005 at 4:04 pm
Catizhere, that’s EXACTLY how we were. But every year, and occasionally within six months, we were plunking down $100 to $200 on a new vacuum. We figure with the two year warranty it will last two years, dammit, and so we’ll actually end up saving money on it. And oh my lordy, we actually saved time since we only had to do sweep a section once over. I can’t tell you how amazing it is, words do it no justice.
And Lindy, of course Boyfriend likes other gals. We figured it was a boy, with the hose and all, and like all men the Boyfriend is a whore. It works great on bare floors too. Sexy, isn’t it?
November 17th, 2005 at 4:15 pm
I love good home gadgets. I recently purchased the wet/dry swiffer. I’m in heaven. I also have the duster thing. I don’t know why swiffer technology took so long. I sort of like vacuuming, but I’m all hard wood, baby, so no vacuuming fun here.
November 17th, 2005 at 4:24 pm
Yep, we Swiffer the hell out of our floors too! Oh, and Lindy introduced me to the Magic Eraser thing by Mr. Clean. It was love at first sight. It didn’t last very long, but it got off this stain/grime ring thing that’s been around our bathtub since we moved in six years ago. NOTHING could get that off of it, but Lindy said the Magic Eraser would and it totally did, with very little effort! Thank you Lindy!
November 17th, 2005 at 10:04 pm
I love Magic Eraser. Its very good for doorways where people’s hands go and just our natural oils make things black, ya know. Like painted surfaces. My only complaint with the Magic Eraser: It doesn’t last long enough. They need to make a Magic Eraser like 4 times bigger. Magic GIANT Eraser that fits on your hand like a glove. How bout that shit! Boo Ya!
November 18th, 2005 at 6:34 am
I love the Dyson, but I’m also a bit afraid of it. I’m afraid that if I actually purchased one, I would want to sit it in a corner (on a mirror, with special lights glowing on it) behind a chain so that no one (NO ONE) can screw with it. Then again, using it would almost feel like taking a beauty queen, turning her upside down, and making her eat crap off of your floor. That would definitely feel good. Hhhhhmmmmmm.
November 18th, 2005 at 9:09 am
This is more educational than you know. I thought we were the only ones who went through a vacuum every six months to a year, and it even seemed to make sense when we had four cats and a fully carpeted house. As the cats have dwindled in number though, and now that we live in a place with almost no carpets, it has made less sense.
I am somewhat comforted to discover that others have been victimized by the vacuum cleaner industry, as well. However, it begs the question: Why are all machines other than Dyson’s so crappy? The others with which we’ve dallied weren’t $350, but they weren’t exactly inexpensive, either, well into three figures, and all tricked out with lights and HEPA filter hoo-has and every little attachment I’ll never use for anything as long as I live. And they all ended up catching fire on hair clots, burning out their little motors after multiple belt replacements, and being sent off to the dump in a state of smoldering indignity.
Now, I don’t mean to sound cynical, but…would you please be so kind as to make a point of checking back with us in both six months and a year and letting us know if you’re still in love, if your new boyfriend is still beloved, still attentive to your every vacuuming need, and most importantly, still a perfectly functioning thing of beauty? ‘Cause, you know, they all start out that way. Or, at least, they have for us. I don’t want to cold shower your little romance, but, you know, I also want to know how long the honeymoon really lasts before making a similar commitment.
Meanwhile, mazeltov. And while it may be inappropriate to say so, I do hope you enjoy the ride, however long it lasts.
November 18th, 2005 at 12:53 pm
I’m flattered by the Fluid Pudding visit, welcome Angie!
So far, Boyfriend is in fact living behind a closet door with two security guards named Rod and Tiny so the children cannot touch his shiny hose. They are not allowed to use it since Daniel has no qualms about vacuuming up rug tassels and armies of legos. At first I was afraid to use it, having a sinking feeling in my middle that if we actually made it eat cat fur that it would explode in fiery show of sparks. But, Mike hauled its ass downstairs (the WORST part of the house, fur-wise) and began. It was amazing. It’s actually really quiet and didn’t sound strained at all. It laughed at us. It said, “This is nothing, I tell you. Nothing to my British engineering. James Dyson made me so that I adore cat fur. Wait, why are you weeping?” It might be a beauty queen, but he’s bit of a whore who likes it rough.
We are waiting with baited breath to see how long it takes for the burnout that claimed every other vacuum in this household’s existence. BUT, it has a complete two-year warranty that says it will be replaced if it stops for any reason. I am hoping and praying it lasts for a few years. That would be miracle in this house. I will make sure to share when and how it dies with everyone. I have quasi-high hopes though, it just seems so unaffected by use. Pray for us!
December 30th, 2006 at 6:30 pm
[…] The Dyson just made sweet sweet love to my floors. […]