But I’m writing about it anyway, because I’ve lived some of it.
So, a while back I wrote THIS. And in it, I said some dumb shit about dating a widower.
I felt sad for him, I dated him while it was clear he wasn’t done grieving, and I put myself second for his loss. His sad, sad loss. But you know what? It was sad, I hate that he lived through that, but it wasn’t my fault and no reason that a man who willingly put himself out there to treat a woman like she’s second place. That’s right, I recant my sympathy for my now husband.
He chose to date. He became a single man at that point. If he wasn’t single, and still beholden to grieving another woman, then he needed to stay away from other potential partners. When I wrote that post, I was trying really hard to handle some things I thought were normal. News flash, sleeping in a man’s bed he shared with his former wife, with her belongings in the dresser beside you, on her pillow, with a picture of her and him in their bedroom is not normal. It’s fucking awful to do to someone. You are effectively saying: I still love this person I still call my wife (present) and you are…well, you’re nice to have around so I’m not lonely and neither are my man parts. You aren’t ready to date and should stop it.
Women dating a man who is widowed, email me. I’ve got the best fucking support group to link you to, seriously. Without that forum, we wouldn’t be married today. I’d have left. I had to spell out shit that needed to stop as it popped up as a hurtful thing to me, because things that do not bother you in the beginning (picture in the bedroom) sure as hell will after a year. Things like mentioning things you and the late wife did together, your freaking sex life, pictures in the house, her personality, her clothes in the closet, her purse in a drawer, christmas ornaments, you name it, it needs to fucking GO before you bring someone new around.
Grieve forever, if a man wants to and is certainly his right as one with a huge loss, but for the love of god don’t date anyone. When you want to be a single man, then be one and put your new love first.
Am I happy we are together now? Absolutely. Would it have been better to start dating when he was done being a widower? YES.
I say all of this to help some other poor woman who is dating a man and feeling lonely in her relationship, that she’s second best, and that in fact all the books tell you to suck it up and be understanding to his loss. As if we don’t experience loss ourselves. Many find and read crappy articles by this woman first and we feel fucked. We feel that we have to take his less than stellar behavior regarding us, that somehow because of a loss we have to sacrifice. No, we don’t. I tell you now, you are supposed to be his number one. Anything less is shitty. You don’t deserve it.
What is bringing this up for me is painfully watching another blog. I don’t want to piss on their parade, so I’m not linking, but a popular blogger who lost his wife this summer (2009) has announced his marriage to a new woman in the beginning of March. Of this year. Half a year after his late wife’s death. Let’s just say, I SEE ISSUES coming up. I see his happiness at not being alone, but I think…seven months and marriage?
Holy shit, y’all.
He says he’s already grieved, but you don’t pre-grieve. He says that he and his late wife weren’t “husband and wife” for a long time, but then what were you? You weren’t only a nurse, dude. You were a husband. Is all the paperwork even sorted through yet? What happens on the first death anniversary that hasn’t even happened yet? His kids’ birthdays without the late wife? There are four kids who just lost their mother only to get a new stepmother in the house, how are they supposed to handle this? How is she supposed to handle it? I want his new wife to be happy, and I see her reading the “three hearts” shit online and thinking it’s her job to succumb to his needs.
I want you to know that’s crap. She deserves love, she deserves to be his number one, she deserves a full, real, present partner and husband. I want her to have that and it hurts me to know what’s coming up for her.